29 January 2018

March of the Meat Machine


It’s the end of the day. Another “consultation” and more bad news. I trudge along in my black coat, a wool cap protecting my head from the cold wind, with a backpack over my shoulder, a gym bag in one hand, and in the other a set of techno-med images that seem to confirm there is a brain somewhere inside my head.

But the images only prove that there is a three-pound piece of meat inside my skull. And at the moment, that’s all it is: a piece of meat. No mind, no soul, just a meat-based computer executing an application called “walk.”

And a piece of meat is all I am – a meat machine marching slowly along the cold, slushy street and the crowded stairs and passageways of the subway in accordance with the meat computer’s instructions. As my brain tells my legs to put one foot in front of the other and my hands clutch the bags that dangle by my side, I just lurch forward, without expression, without thought, without feeling – without anything that might mark me as more than just a kind of organic robot.

I lag behind a wave of humanity moving from one station through a cold gray passageway to an adjoining station. They move past me and, for a moment, I am walking alone. Until the next wave comes up behind me.

In that brief interlude between waves, I wonder. Why am I walking through this place? Why am I in this city? Why have I been here for so long? Why has my life come down to a series of numb zombie walks through soul-less metro stations or along the same old gray streets? What has happened to me? Where did my spirit go that has left me to just exist inside this cocoon of flesh, blood and bone?

As I stand on the platform waiting for the next train with hundreds of other meat machines, I look at the concrete wall across the tracks. I wonder if this is real or if I am having one of my strange dreams. It would be better if it was a dream because I would wake up and snap out of it. But that’s not my luck.

Maybe I’m a ghost. I am moving like a disembodied spirit. But that can’t be; a spirit is still something of a soul, I suppose. And I am without spirit or soul. Imagine being emptier inside even than a ghost.

Neither am I dead, at least not completely. I live, but in every sense that matters, I am lifeless. Where is happiness? Where is love? Where is passion? What happened to reason? For that matter, where, even, is pain? I feel nothing, I am nothing.

Happiness? Were you ever here? Perhaps once. Before the shapeless black apparitions rose up from below and blotted you out. Larger and hungrier they became, sucking what happiness remained, faster and faster until there was no more. The light of joy finally went out for good, and I became one of those shapeless black apparitions myself.

Passion? The fire died, little by little, until all that remained were a few smoldering embers. And then they went cold, never to blaze again. The ashes have been cold for so long, it’s like they never held warmth in the first place. I can’t remember.

Reason? How can reason survive in a world that makes no sense? Everything I see – in the news, at work, in people around me, in everything everywhere – makes no sense anymore. It’s a card game with nothing but jokers. The world is broken, the people are broken. I am broken.

Love? It never existed. What I thought was love flew away long ago, far before I realized it was gone, replaced with tantalizing lies and sweet self-deceit, circus acts and predictable practical jokes for the mistresses of ceremonies.

Jump, jump up on the pedestal! Do tricks for me! Entertain and please me! Then go back to your dark little cage, and don’t let me be aware of you until I require you again.

Come on, Charlie Brown! Kick the football. Don’t worry, I will hold it still this time. I promise! Once again I trust, and yet again she pulls the ball away at the last moment. I fall on my ass as I’ve done so many times before, and she laughs the same evil laugh as each of those many times.

Love and trust: the moronic blabbering of self-loathing fools in a carnival sideshow.

Happiness, love, passion, friendship, trust, loyalty, basic human decency: all just so many lies and illusions.

But wait! I do feel something. There is pain.

Alas, it’s not pain of the soul or spirit. How can it be when there is no soul inside this meat machine? I can't cry; I've forgotten what that was like. No, it’s just physical pain. The back, the hip, the knee. Trying to stand up on a moving train with my hands full, while smug young nobodies sit with their faces in their smartphones.

I would hate them… if I could feel anything.

And so I push my way out of the subway, acting on instinct. Like salmon, we all flow in unison toward the stairs and climb up to the exits. I wonder if the other fish are as devoid of feeling as I am. To look at the faces, you would have to think so: there are almost never any expressions on the faces of the Kharkiv metro. But most of them probably still have some things to cling to that help them believe… in something. Good for them. I wonder what that might feel like. I wonder what feeling might feel like

The “walk” application in my meat computer guides me out of the metro and out to the cold street. And more slush. I trudge on to spend another empty evening of an empty life in an empty apartment so that I can “rest” for another empty day at an empty job tomorrow.

And the meat machine marches on.





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01 January 2018

Tales from Dreamland


I enjoy my night dreams, when I have them. In fact, I find them so interesting that I keep a dream journal where I write down as much as I can remember about the dreams that I do manage to recall. To do it successfully, I have to have the presence of mind to actively run the dream back through my mind as soon as I wake up, and then either sit at the computer or jot down the key points in my bedside notebook. But it’s worth the effort.

The other night I was looking through my formal dream journal on my computer, and it came to me that some of those dreams could be the inspiration for some interesting stories. So I decided to try taking a few of the dreams, elaborating a bit, creating names for characters, and making some short stories out of them. I tried writing from different points of view (first person, second person, third person) and in a few different styles. What follows are a few examples:


Death by RV


You are motoring along a highway in a fairly large RV. You are not driving. Instead, you are sitting in a special seat toward the back of the vehicle. It is set up high so that your head and upper body reach through a special hatch in the top of the RV. From this vantage point, you look out over the roof of the vehicle, see the scenery all around you, and feel the sun on your head and the wind in your face as you race down the road.

It’s a bright summer day. The air is warm but fresh. All around you, everything is a succulent green. There is not a lot of traffic, and you are far from any city. As you pass through the semi-forested countryside, you catch the aroma of hay fields and stands of pine trees. From your perch atop the vehicle, it’s a perfectly beautiful day for traveling.

There are other people in the RV with you, but you don’t recall how many. You can hear them talking and laughing below you. One of them is your sister. You know this because she mentions that “Dad is up ahead of us” in a separate car. You are not sure who the other people are, but they seem to be having a good time.

Far up ahead, you can see that the road curves sharply to the left before running parallel to a large, wide river. It might be the Shenandoah. Way off to the left you can see that the road curves right again and crosses the river over a very long bridge. But you sense that you are approaching the first curve too fast. Something is wrong.

Instead of turning left with the highway, the RV barrels straight forward. It runs through the safety barrier, off the road, and toward a cliff. The ride becomes bumpy as the wheels run over uneven ground. At the edge of the cliff, you continue forward, flying out over the river, which is in a gorge far below. There is no way to stop it.


As you plummet toward the bottom of the gorge, the RV begins to turn over. You realize that the top of the vehicle, where you are now trapped, is going to hit the bottom first. As you turn over, you can see that you are headed toward huge rocks. You are going to be crushed. But you don’t scream; you can't.

Inside the RV, you can hear people yelling and crying. You hear glass and plates breaking. But you block out those noises and concentrate on the rocks that now seem to be racing up to meet you. Even though it is happening in an instant, it seems like slow motion to you.

You are keenly aware of everything around you. You can hear the whistling of the wind against the metal railings that line either side of the vehicle. You feel your hands grip the support bars along the hatch. You hold on so tight that it’s like either the bars or the bones in your hands will break. You can feel your hair, your lips, and the skin of your cheeks being thrust back by the force of the wind.

And still those rocks draw ever closer.

You know you are about to die a horrible, crushing death, and you wonder how much it will hurt. You want to look away, but you can’t. You wonder whether God – however you perceive the deity – will pull your soul out of your body at the last second to spare you the pain. Or will you die in agony?

And just as you are about to be smashed upon the rocks, everything goes black. There is nothing.

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Saving the Castle


It was medieval times, and there were thousands of people in and around a castle. The people of the castle were trying to defend themselves against an invading horde. The castle’s defenders were more sophisticated, knights and soldiers with better weapons and a sound defensive plan. They wore fine armor highlighted with cloth in sharp red and gold.

The invaders were barbarians, large men with great beards and long hair. They were clad mostly in leather and fur, but with rough iron breastplates and helmets, and they carried long swords and axes. Though they lacked the finery of their opponents, they had greater numbers and were ferocious fighters.


The battle was intense and moved into a tunnel complex below the castle. Despite heavy losses, the invaders were gaining ground toward taking the castle and the city. At one point, they had surged through the next-to-last defensive point, and most of their army was below the castle complex.

At this point, the commander of the castle’s defensive forces ordered
a black-powder fuse to be lit, and this caused a series of explosions that destroyed the castle and brought it down upon the attackers. The entire invading army was crushed and destroyed under the rubble of the castle. But the city had been saved.

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In the Kitchen


Derek and Cathy were in Derek’s kitchen peeling vegetables for dinner. The kitchen was not Cathy’s favorite place, and Derek was really more comfortable and capable in the kitchen than she was. But she enjoyed spending time together, even if it was in the kitchen.
Derek noticed that Cathy was having trouble with the knife she was using, so he asked if she wanted to change with him. She said that she really did want to use the knife he was using, so he gave it to her gladly. Then Derek asked Cathy why she didn’t just ask him for it if she really wanted it. She just looked down, shook her head, and said, “I don’t know.”

Derek told her – reminded her, really – that he would give her anything or do anything for her. “You know that,” he said. She nodded and responded that she was trying to understand that, but it was hard for her to ask for what she really wanted. She said it had always been hard for her.

As they continued peeling vegetables, they got into a discussion about hosting a Thanksgiving dinner. Cathy said that she wanted to host a dinner for her friends, and Derek asked if that meant she would not be coming to his annual dinner. She said that she wanted to, of course, but she also wanted to get together with her friends, and it was a conflict on that date. Derek suggested that he could cancel his plan and help her with hers.

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The Never-Ending Search 


You are in an underground parking garage looking for your pickup truck. The garage is huge, and you don’t know exactly where the truck is because someone else had parked it there for you.


Suddenly the lights in the garage go out, and you have to search using only the light on your mobile phone. You walk and walk from one level to another, but you can’t find your truck, and you are getting frustrated.

Then it seems that you are not searching for a truck but for an airplane. It is an old B-25 twin-engine bomber from World War II that had been converted into a private civilian plane. You finally find such a plane, but it has tail guns, and you can see another gun turret on the bottom, so you know it’s not yours. You keep searching, but you never find it.

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A Strange Day


A group of guys were about to stage a robbery of some kind.  They were like mafia guys, perhaps even characters from the Sopranos television series. Greg wasn’t part of the robbery; he was just along as a kind of observer.

Suddenly three of the robbers turned their guns on the other two and shot them dead. Then the three killers ran off.  It was a "hit" that had been disguised as a robbery so that the two guys being clipped would not know. And to the police, it would look like the two guys were just victims of a botched robbery.


After that, the mafia guys were playing basketball. Greg was playing with them, but he missed a lot of shots. Embarrassed, he admitted to the guys that he had never been very good at the game.

After he left the basketball game, Greg was in a store with a group of people that included a family he knew. The mother in that family was a friend of Greg’s, and he knew that she was having an affair with another man. Greg had also had a short affair with her, and he knew that she had also had sex one time with the teenaged son of one of Greg’s other friends.

At one point, the whole group left the store and was walking to another place. Greg and the woman managed to cross a busy street ahead of the others who had to wait for the traffic lights. That gave Greg a chance to talk with her. He told her that she needed to figure out why she had such a need to cheat on her husband and either work things out or get a divorce. She asked him if he still wanted her, and he said not anymore. It wasn’t because he didn’t care, but because he knew he couldn’t trust her. She was very hurt and tried to hold back her tears as the rest of the group joined them.

After that, Greg was walking home to his apartment. He had been gone for a very long time, years in fact. It had been so long that he wasn’t sure which apartment was his, and he could not remember the combination to his mailbox. As he was going up the stairs, he suddenly remembered that he had left a cat and a dog alone in the apartment when he left, and he became filled with grief that they must have starved to death.

When he opened the door, he found the cat, alive but very hungry. Instead of crying like he usually did, the cat just reached up and hugged Greg’s leg. The dog was also there, but she was very weak. Greg felt terrible pangs of shame for having been so irresponsible with those little lives.

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Robbery and Attempted Murder


You live with your teenaged daughter in an apartment. You are awakened from your sleep by a noise. Then you feel a drop of water on your head. You decide to get up and check it out.

The lights don’t work, so you find a flashlight. Then you notice that something doesn’t smell right. You feel a bit light-headed, almost faint. You hear a sound coming from the kitchen and find that all the burners and the oven are open, but unlit, and they are spewing deadly gas into the apartment. You turn off the burners and open all the windows.


You go to the fuse box and see that all your circuit breakers have been shut off. So you reset the switches, and your lights work. You wonder why that lights had been turned off and the gas turned on, and you realize it had to be intentional. But you can’t understand who could have done it.

Looking around, you see that a lot of things are missing. Expensive stereo equipment, television, computers, and other items are all missing. You have been robbed. And it seems that the robbers turned on the gas to kill you in your sleep.

Suddenly there is a man in the apartment – one of the robbers who apparently had come back for something. But he sees you and quickly leaves. You see that there is a door between your apartment and the one next door. You look for a weapon and can only find a baseball bat. You open the door and go into the next apartment.

You see more people and all kinds of stolen items. Not only are your things there, but there are many other stolen items. These robbers are able to pass through doors into other apartments as well. You yell at two men who are there and demand that they return your property. They ignore you and speak to each other in Russian.

Thinking angrily about how they had turned on the gas and tried to kill you and your daughter, you yell “pochemu?” (why?). Then you lift the bat to bash one of the men, but you can’t bring yourself to actually hit him.

The men go out of the apartment, leaving three women behind. The women are part of the gang of thieves, and their job is to process everything. You identify your items among all the stolen goods, and you demand that they be returned. But no one does anything. They ignore you.

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Caught Between Worlds


I was alone at the trailing edge of twilight, camped on a relatively flat spot, part way up a very tall hill.  It was a grassy hill, fairly round or conical, with even slopes except for the small plateau I was on.  Below me, perhaps 100 yards away, was the edge of a dark wood, from which I could hear the sounds of the forest night: tree frogs singing their monotonous love songs and crickets voicing their praises of a warm summer night.

Occasionally, the precise call of a bird would add a bit of spice to the chorus, but with the gathering dark, birds were mostly silent.  Those sounds from below were comforting, and together with the crackling of my campfire and the aroma of burning wood, I felt very comfortable. Looking at the edge of the forest below, I could see almost nothing except a dim vision of the facing sides of trees, which seemed to dance with the flickering light of my small fire.

Far above me, framed by the very last glow of a day fading beyond the jagged horizon of mountain peaks, was the top of the hill, and on that hilltop was a building, a resort of some kind. There were small white lights, but it was much too distant for the lights to bother me much.  Behind and beyond this building were others, separate, yet connected in some way that I couldn’t entirely discern. 

From the top of the hill I could hear intermittent voices and even laughter from some kind of gathering or party.  But like the lights, the sounds were too distant to distract me and only floated down on the breeze every now and then.  They were just an occasional reminder of what was up there.


After a while, there was a rustle from the bushes around the trees below me, and a mountain lion emerged. It walked up leisurely and sat beside me at the fire.  The lion and I knew each other well, and we talked.  We reminisced about walking for days through the forest without ever crossing a road, walking under a power line, seeing an airplane overhead or hearing the sounds of people.

We remembered going to the tops of mountains and looking out over a world that seemed ours alone.  We recalled the warmth of the sun and the close comfort of finding a cave, hollow or some other refuge from the rain or snow.  And we remembered too those times when there was no shelter and we shivered in the rain until it was done.  As we exchanged memories, those times came alive for us. They were special.

We talked of freedom, of “owning the world,” and of starry nights you could get lost in. The cougar pointed out that there was a clear sky and endless stars over the forest. But looking back toward the top of the hill, we could see none – the sky behind the buildings was bleak and gray. Then she asked me to go back into the forest with her. I said it wasn’t the same any longer; what we had was lost forever. I didn’t belong there any more and I’d only be disappointed.

Then she motioned with her head and eyes toward the top of the hill and asked me if I was going back up there. I replied that I didn’t belong there either; there was no one and nothing up there for me. I said there were sometimes when it was OK, but that mostly I felt separate from what went on up there, different from the others and very out of place. Still, I added, it seems I have no choice but to return and do my best to get by.

“There is no freedom anywhere,” I said, “and no place left to find happiness.”

“Your soul is not there,” she said.  “There is nothing there of spirit, nothing that fills your eyes and soul with awe or takes you beyond yourself, nothing that makes you grow or gives you life.”

“I’m lost,” I told her. “It’s just my fate to be lost.”  Then we just sat for a long time, quietly watching the fire.

After a time, I turned to say something and found that the mountain lion had become a beautiful woman. She was a bit exotic looking with a roundish face, high cheekbones, large green-gray eyes, and brown hair that flowed just past her shoulders. She looked at me at first with a kind of sad expression that spoke of carrying a heavy burden of emotion. I looked deeply into her eyes and tried to relieve her of that sadness.



After a few moments, she allowed a smile to creep on to her face, slowly at first. I answered with a smile, and then she opened up into a broad smile that was like a bright light that released all of her hidden beauty.

She placed her hand on my cheek, looked at me plaintively, and said that I didn’t have to be lost and that she would be with me always, just as she always had been. I just needed to learn to “recognize her” again when the time was right. Then she laid me back and lwe made love. While we were locked together, my vision blurred into a kaleidoscope of color, becoming evermore brighter until it was like fire. 

When the lights finally dimmed and my vision returned, she was gone and I was alone. The forest was still there, with the night sounds and blanket of stars. And when I looked back up the hill where the buildings and people had been, I saw nothing, except a clear, starry night.

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