Men are supposed to be strong. Men are supposed to be wise. “Real” men direct that strength and wisdom for good: to protect their families, homes and possessions, as well as their communities and countries; to defend those unable to defend themselves; to help those in need; and to show the right ways of life to the young.
And, of course, real men do a lot of stupid stuff that can – and sometimes does – get us killed. I pulled plenty of nimrod stunts in my teens and 20s that could have gotten me killed, and luckily I survived. But it was a hell of a lot of fun.
I always admired those “real” men of the past, symbolized by Hollywood icons like Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford, Sly Stallone and in earlier years, John Wayne, Gary Cooper, and so forth. Yep, they were “real men.”
But men today face something of a confusing dichotomy: while we are supposed to be paragons of strength, modern society also tells us that a “real” man acknowledges his weaknesses and even embraces them. We are expected to show our strength and decisiveness to the world, but at the same time we are considered wrong if we can’t open up and let our softer side show.
The main “weakness” that we are now supposed to allow is our emotions. Men are not considered so weak if they let their anger show, or their righteous indignation over a wrong. And we can show joy, but only in a measured way and for “manly” things like winning a sports championship – or surviving a stupid stunt that could have gotten us killed.
But beware of the man who openly gushes love or too obviously lets his sadness or disappointment flow out. And we can never, EVER make it apparent that our feelings have been hurt, or even crushed, by another person, especially if this has been done by a women (who are the usual crushers).
And God forbid he should cry. Unless you are crying because you lost friends on the field of battle, shedding tears and babbling like a baby means instant revocation of your “men’s club” card.
But the secret truth is that we do have feelings; we do love. And we do feel hurt, sometimes to our very cores. But if we are real men, we don’t let it show, at least not too much, and not in the same ways that women are allowed to show. This is especially true of hurt and disappointment; however, we get a bit more of a pass where love is concerned.
A Fool for Love Songs
With all of that in mind, I have a confession: for pretty much all of my life, I have been a sucker for love songs.
The singer/songwriter Paul Simon once wrote, “I ain’t no fool for love songs that linger in my ears, still crazy after all these years.” Well, that hasn’t been me; I HAVE been a fool for love songs.
And I don’t care what anyone thinks about it.
Certain songs, at certain times of my life, have just gone right to the very center of my being. They spoke with surgical precision to a situation I was going through at the time and captured the emotions I was feeling better than I could describe them myself. Always it happened during particularly difficult and emotional times – and I had more than my share of those.
Some songs speak to the highs of love, those joyous feelings. But the ones that have really brought me to my knees are the ones that echoed the pain of a lost love, the frustration of misunderstanding, the progression of pain, to the anger in a breakup.
These are the songs that can still make me remember not only the feelings, but the things that happened and the faces of the people – OK, the women – involved. These songs are like time machines that carry me back to those emotional moments, for better or for worse.
In some cases the song was contemporary to the relationship or situation I was going through: it was a new song at the time. But more often it was some song from an earlier time – sometimes a much earlier time – which I paid little or no mind to when it was new but later came to painfully symbolize a breakup or other situation. A song might wait 10, 20 or more years before it speaks clearly to the pain.
I suppose you might think it’s better to not listen to them, not let them remind me of those heartaches. Maybe. But at the same time, heartache is a part of life. The fact is that as I grow older, I find that I just don’t “feel” as much anymore, whether it’s pain or joy. There are fewer and fewer highs and lows, and sometimes I really want to feel something strongly, just to remember that I am still alive. I suppose these songs can help with that.
In no particular order here are some of the ones that “get” me every time (there are many others). The hyperlink in the title will take you to the song on YouTube:
“I’m gonna love you more than life,
if you’ll only be my wife.
I’m gonna find a place to live,
give you all I’ve got to give,
I’m gonna love you night and day,
I’m gonna try in every way.”
“I’m learning to live without you now,
but I miss you sometimes.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I knew,
I have to learn again.”
“How can I just let you walk away?
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you.
You’re the only one who knew me at all.”
“I’ve been loving you
for such a long time, girl
expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me”
“I can’t make you love me
if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
something it won’t”
“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part”
“These fantasies they blow my way
like sirens to a fool
And in the stillness of my soul
I keep returning to…
Always you, I come back to you”
“From the first kiss in the schoolyard
to the last heart broke in two
I didn’t know it would be so hard
learning how to love you”
“I’m gonna find me a hole in the wall
Gonna crawl inside and die…
Can’t you see? Can’t you see?
What that woman, she been doin’ to me?”
“She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her”
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