Finding Your Personal Mount Everest

This is a piece I first wrote back in the early 1990s. I have revised it a few time since then – added some things, changed some wording – but the basic premise has stayed the same. I think my last revision was around 2009 or so. I remembered it as I was working on my new post about soul mates and soul friends, and I thought I would go ahead and post it.

Relationships! 

We spend so much time thinking about them, talking about them, laboring and anguishing over them, but we never seem any closer to understanding them.  With the possible exceptions of learning where socks disappear to from the clothes dryer or Michael Jackson’s planet of origin, there are few greater mysteries than romantic relationships. 

Why are we drawn to certain people, but repelled by others?  Why do we so often find that after a certain amount of time, we’re repelled by those same people to whom we were at first so drawn?  Why is that time shorter with some people than with others?  Why do we sometimes find ourselves drawn to people toward whom we should feel repelled? 

Why do we sometimes fall in love with people who don’t feel the same way, who don’t love us back?  And most important, is there any hope of finding someone who really will love us back and toward whom we won’t eventually feel repelled?  The answer, definitely, is Yes, which is good, because it means I can keep writing.

Every once in a very great while, each of us runs across someone who seems almost immediately to stand out from the crowd, a person who touches some special chord on the piano keys of your inner being, who may be just ordinary to the other 99.9999 percent of humanity, but is mysteriously extra special to you.  But it doesn’t happen often, and if this does seem to happen often for you, seek professional counseling. 

Why are these wonderful people so very hard to find, and why do even these seem to have a better than average chance of not working out in the long run?  Why are you still reading these pointless questions as though you’re going to find some profound answer? 

Perhaps it’s because the title has led you to believe this column has something to do with Mount Everest, which is said to have many wise gurus sitting on its peak, freezing their butts off while contemplating the mysterious nature of the universe and waiting for simpletons like us to climb up and avail themselves of that sage knowledge – all the while wishing they were sitting in a nice, warm Jacuzzi someplace getting deep, therapeutic back massages, instead of sitting cross-legged in a frigid, windy patch of snow. 

Of course, if someone chooses to sit out in a windy patch of snow, why would you want his advice on anything?  But enough deep questions!  Probably the only reason you’re continuing to read this drivel is because you’re hoping that somewhere along the line it involves sex.  Is this ultimately about sex?  Sorry, you’re just going to have to read on if you want to find out. 

Let’s get back to the point. 

I have come to realize that for each one of us – you, me, the guy at the gym whose biceps measurement doubles his IQ, your old aunt Edith who eventually decided to give up on men entirely and live alone with her 47 cats, even the crazy guy sitting in the snow on the mountain top – there are, at best, only a handful of people who will cross our paths in our entire lifetimes with whom all the required qualifications for a superbly deep and meaningful relationship exist.  In other words, for each of us, it really only “clicks” with just a few individuals – ever.

So, how many is a handful?  Well, how big is your hand?  I’m guessing that, if you’re really lucky, the most would be three or four.  But for the majority of us, it’s probably only two or three – and perhaps only ONE.  And that’s through an entire lifetime.  I believe too that a great many people stay too blind to find even one of their special handful, or if they do, they don’t realize it and allow them to pass on by.

Very often, we just think we’ve found one of that handful when what we’ve really got is just something a few ticks above ordinary.  Pretty bad odds, but that’s how it seems to be set up, because I’m not talking about really good, or even great; the kind of relationship we’re learning about today transcends even fantastic.  We’re talking about something spiritual here.

We hear a lot of talk about soul mates, and that’s probably what we’re talking about here too.  This is because finding and connecting with one of these handfuls of people, and then making it last, requires a sort of divine intervention, the focus of universal creative energy – God if you prefer – to get behind and give each of us a push in the right direction.  But even the best efforts of the Divine can be ruined or ignored by us humans, because once we come to Earth we tend to become really stupid.

Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “wait a minute, that can’t be right; I’ve met lots of guys (or gals) with whom I really hit it off, and I’m sure there are a ton more just waiting for the chance to meet me.”   Sorry!  Wrong!  Please move to the back of the class.  What we’re talking about here is a whole different level of relating, a level that moves past the surface and gets deep inside of you, a level that is soul-based and unlike anything else you’ll ever experience.   

So what’s it all about?

In a relationship like this, the most important elements are there:  You find yourselves on the same page of your intellectual and emotional operating manuals, and your “view of the world” is very similar.  When you say “red,” the other person sees the same shade, not something a tad more toward orange or purple.  The other person has attitudes, interests, behaviors and tendencies that fit well with your own, and vice versa. 

(A note here to those of you who think this means you both need to “like all the same things or have completely the same beliefs” – wrong again!  Too much sameness is boring and ultimately invites ruin.  But the ideal balance is where you have a great many things in common and you can freely agree to disagree on the others.  But more to the point, you perceive things similarly.  Remember too that while “opposites may attract,” real opposites eventually go in different directions.)

You find that you meet each other’s needs almost without effort.  Perhaps you like being touched, holding hands and being held closely and the other also enjoys touching and hugging.  On the other hand, maybe you are more reserved and not as comfortable with a lot of close contact and the other feels the same way.  You don’t find yourself wanting for an emotional, sexual or intellectual stimulus that the other just doesn’t seem to be able to figure out, and you don’t leave the other lacking (or overwhelmed) either. 

You can talk for hours about everything and nothing at all – without losing interest.  Yet you can also sit together in silence without it being uncomfortable 

And the sex is simply the best and most satisfying either of you can have.  You enjoy playing or experimenting to the same degree and share equal levels of “kink.”  Alternatively, you may be reserved to the same extent, but whichever level you are at, you are both comfortable with that level.  Most important, however, you share equivalent levels of emotion in the process.  Sex is more a tool to express and strengthen your bond, rather than an end to itself – and you both have learned this.

Perhaps the most important things you find with someone like this – things that are so often lacking in more ordinary relationships – are genuine understanding, empathy, trust and respect.  Both partners put the other, and the relationship, first.  The relationship is the most important thing in life for both; you protect it and are careful not to do anything that puts it in jeopardy. 

Each of you knows, almost instinctively, when to “be there” for the other, and just as important, when not to be.  You understand that respecting the other’s individuality and independence can be as important as being ready with a strong shoulder. 

There can still be occasional disagreements and even fights – after all, even the tallest mountains suffer avalanches that can bury you, crevasses you might fall into, and icy gales that can freeze you solid – but they are less frequent, and they don’t last.  Anger is fleeting and is never allowed to intensify or become intentionally hurtful.  You don’t fall into game playing.

A relationship like this doesn’t add to your stress, it’s your safe, snug harbor from the stormy sea of a lousy day.  It makes you feel satisfied, fulfilled and happy.

The Spiritual Side

When all of this exists with someone, it’s what I call a Mount Everest.  But there’s something more with a person like this, something that goes beyond all the tangible factors you can see or feel.  When you look into that person’s eyes, you might both be carried off to another place or another time.  There is, right from the start, an intuitive familiarity between the two of you, almost as though you have known each other before, even though you know that’s not the case (in this life).  There is a spark that runs deep into both your souls, something you don’t find with anyone else.   There is a kind of magic!

This is the phenomenon I call spiritual completion.   I believe that each of us is a spiritual being existing temporarily on the material plane and struggling to find our true spiritual nature.  The essence of being, with which each of us is endowed at birth, runs back much farther in the past and continues long past the end of our short lives.  As such – and whether we realize it or not – we feel a certain detachment or incompleteness in this existence.

To help us grow past that spiritual incompleteness, I believe we are meant to find in our lives certain other people who possess a spiritual essence that is precisely tuned to our own, a spiritual essence that represents our perfect polar opposite (masculine to feminine and vice versa).  If and when we find it, we are changed.  Rather than being two separate souls, we may become two halves of a new spiritual entity, one that brings each of us closer to the ultimate completeness, which is with God, or the universal creative force.  This new entity is inseparable, even if the physical halves are disjoined by distance, circumstance – or death.

There’s an important point to make here for all you hopeless romantics and devotees of romance novels displaying partially clothed caricatures of impossible-looking men with names like Fabio.  There is a world of difference between spiritual incompletion and feeling incomplete on the earthly plane.  So many people feel empty, incomplete or lacking self-actualization (there’s a nice psychological term for you to chew on).  And too many of these people seek to fill that void through reliance on, or even addiction to, other people.  They feel they need someone to love them in order to feel whole. 

Well, I think we all know what happens with these situations, don’t we?  Unless you have gained that self-actualization, you won’t really be able to function in any long-term relationship, not even with your Mt. Everest. 

But that is an earthly or human kind of completion, a sense of independence and self-reliance.  You might even say that a person who hasn’t achieved a mental and physical sense of self-actualization isn’t prepared to become spiritually complete.  It’s like climbing a tree: you have to successfully navigate the lower branches before you can climb up to the higher ones.

So what’s this got to do with mountains?

Anyway, I call this the Mount Everest Theory, because mountains seem to provide the most convenient illustration; they are big and very hard to miss.  Since I’m a guy, I’ll compare the mountains with women (men frequently do).  And since this is a non-gender-based (if not politically correct) theory, you ladies in the reading audience may certainly compare the men you’ve known with mountains; however, no derogatory comparisons to dormant volcanoes are allowed.

When I compare women to mountains, I find that most are foothills; they may look nice from a distance, but up close they’re nothing special.  Whoa!  Down girls!  Remember, we’re talking about our own individual perceptions where the potential for relationships is concerned. 

Now, each of us meets many, many, MANY foothills throughout our lives.  Occasionally, we come across one that’s a bit taller than most (or maybe we’ve just been a little too lonely lately), so we go out a time or two, and perhaps we establish a casual friendship, but that’s about the extent of it.  Then we go our separate ways, continuing to plod through our individual ranges of foothills looking for mountains a little closer to the clouds.  The foothills are just no big deal, but remember, just because you may be a foothill to most mountain climbers, to a select few, you will be a great deal taller.

Eventually we do find some taller peaks, maybe 8,000 to 10,000 feet or so.  Who are they?  Well, for me, these are women to whom I’m attracted enough to actually date and not just because I was looking through beer-colored glasses at the end of the evening in a crowded bar.  A relationship with a mountain this high might actually go on for a while, but it’s not likely to go very long-term, unless you are extremely lonely or make a very stupid mistake. 

How long?  Well, like everything else in this theory, it’s very individualized, but probably not longer than several months for those of you certified by your local love doctor as more or less emotionally healthy beings.  If you’ve been hanging on to something like this much longer than three months, get some reading material on codependency.

So for a few months we’ve been on a slightly higher emotional plateau.  We’ve had a companion for a time, probably gotten enough “nookie” to ward off serious withdrawal symptoms, but we’ve only found part of the puzzle here.  Eventually, we find ourselves unfulfilled (except that we might again form some decent friendships) and we leave that peak to wander again among the foothills in search of something better.

At some point in our Love Trek, we come across a really tall mountain, one that looms a good 14,000 feet, 15,000 feet or more into the sky.  This one is really special, better than all the rest.  It’s way up there, and we find almost all of what we’re looking for.  Is this the one?  Well, it might very well seem like it, but you’ve probably already figured how this is going to turn out.

These 14ers or 15ers are the people with whom we get into very long-term relationships.  We might even marry one.  In fact, I believe this is what most people end up with, and for the most part we may be very comfortable in this relationship.  It may last a lifetime, provide us with children, mothers- and fathers-in law, mortgages, parent-teacher meetings, and the whole extended-family thing.  And if we don’t know any better, we may go through our lives feeling like we pretty much found all there is.

But sometimes life takes us to that rare point where, having already climbed to the top of a 15er, the clouds are blown away to reveal a peak almost twice as high as the one we’ve already reached, something so incredibly substantial and awesomely lasting that even the 15er never looks very tall again.  We’ve discovered Mount Everest.

The Mount Everest relationship is all those things I described earlier and so much more.  In a way, finding a Mount Everest relationship is almost a curse – unless you’re able to keep it the rest of your life.  This is because after a Mount Everest, anything less is just that: less.  You’ll always know it, and it will always leave you feeling a little empty, not because the 14er or 15er doesn’t try, but because we’ve become so much more aware of how immense the possibilities of human relationships can be… with the right person.

How do you know?

How do you know when it’s a Mount Everest and who are these wondrous people who so rarely cross our paths?  I can’t tell you, because, again, it’s extremely individualized.  

Sometimes it’s immediate eye-lock at your first meeting, as though you recognize the person and have some familiarity, even though you know you’ve never met before (in this life).  Perhaps more often, it takes time to sweep away the clouds and discover the attributes that make a Mount Everest; we allow the time for those qualities to reveal themselves through a special friendship, before we take the plunge into the ultimate intimate relationship.

I think this becomes more the case as we get older, partly because we have endured more failures in our attempts to scale the highest peaks, so we approach each new mountain with the caution (fear) accumulated during previous, unsuccessful climbs.  But perhaps it’s also because as we get older we are better able to appreciate the value of good friendships and realize how important this is as the basis of an enduring romantic relationship.

But one of the problems is that the more we shrink away from those emotional risks, the greater the chance we’ll move right past our own Mount Everests, especially if we’re not connected with that creative spiritual energy flowing through the universe.  It’s like baseball:  You can’t get to second base if you’re afraid to take your foot off first. 

Yet, on the other hand, there is always the very real danger of deluding ourselves, letting ourselves believe we’ve found “the one” just because we want it too much, not because it’s real.  Sometimes we’re too focused on just one part of the package - looks, intellect, kindness - and not the total package.  For all too many people, it seems to be the outward physical appearance, the looks (or money) that becomes the focus.  We blind ourselves for a time, especially in those first few months of a new relationship. 

This may be why we so often let a real Mount Everest slip on by while we’re desperately trying to mold someone less into what we really want, but what he or she just doesn’t have the capacity to be for us.  It’s one of the hardest things to be sure about.  Perhaps it takes luck; I think it takes prayer or meditation.

But wait… there’s more. 

I like to believe that God, the universe, spiritual intention, or however you prefer to define it, actually tries to bring our Mount Everests to us at some point in our lives through combinations of “coincidences” for each of us… synchronicity, if you like.  But at the same time, that universal energy seems to like to challenge us, get us to step outside of the cozy boundaries we’ve learned through our cultural domestication. 

Thus, it may be that a Mount Everest might be someone a lot older or younger than you would expect or it may be someone of another culture, language, political viewpoint, nationality or even race.  A Mount Everest may include a challenging circumstance, such as a disability or illness, or the person may already have children or not be able to have children.  There can be an array of circumstances that may be present, but if the actual relationship between the two people is strong enough to overcome those challenges, it becomes even more of a growth experience for both people.

I said earlier that I believe a Mount Everest may only come to you just a precious few times in your entire life.  So, you’re probably wondering how I’ve come to this conclusion – what has happened in my own life to validate this point of view.  Well, I know that I’ve had a Mount Everest at least once and it’s possible that I have already seen my “handful” of possibilities.

The one “for sure” Mount Everest did not work out, which certainly can happen.  At the time, she wasn’t self-actualized, and I wasn’t in the right place emotionally and spiritually then either.  I wondered for a long time after whether it was real or if I was just looking at a 15er through a distorted glass – a glass I was reluctant to put down.   But as the years have passed I’ve come to understand that, for me, she actually was that extraordinarily high peak, which just goes to prove that even with Mount Everests, timing is critical. 

I thought a second time that I had found the potential with someone, but circumstances never allowed us to really find out.  We had an incredibly intuitive kind of closeness and rapport.  But my fears paralyzed me, and I kept my feet on first until the game was over.  Eventually, we both had to move on.  She’s married now and we’re friends, but whenever we run into each other, there is still a special look in her eyes that makes me wonder what we might have had.

At any rate, I do know that I don’t have an enduring Mount Everest in my life yet.   But I’m aware, and I know what I want, so I use that creative universal energy, trust my desires to it, and have faith that it will come at the right time.

The truth, probably, is that only a few people really do find it and make the choice to keep it in their lives; so often it relies on timing (and how many of us feel like our timing is always lousy?).  This could mean that I might not be intended to be so lucky this time around.  The same may be true for you. 

But that’s all right; there’s never a need for desperation in anything (except for finding a clean rest room on a long road trip or running out of beer during the seventh game of the Stanley Cup finals).  I like to think, though, that each of us is held back in anything more by ignorance than by any other factor and that awareness is the key to success (as in: I was aware before the seventh game that I needed more beer). 

But seriously, with awareness, hope and faith, your odds do become a lot better to find and keep one of those few perfect someones who are out there waiting for you to find them.  Besides, even if you don’t make it up Mount Everest this time around, who’s to say you won’t get more chances?

Souls - Part 2: The Soul, the Mind and the Heart

This is the second post in my series about the soul. I posted the first “What is a soul,” in mid-January with the intention to follow up with this post a few weeks later. But events got the better of me, and here we are in early May. I hope I will do better with part three of the series.

What to do?

Part of you wants desperately to do a particular thing:

·         Perhaps there is something tasty that you really want to eat.

·         Maybe you really need a stapler at home and you figure that your office has plenty of them and won’t miss just one.

·         All you want to do is sit on the sofa and watch television.

·         A cashier gives you way more change than you had coming to you, and since the store makes lots of money, it seems fair that you keep it.

·         Or maybe you’re at a party engaging in some mutual flirting with a very attractive person after a few drinks, and you’re confident that this could escalate to an enjoyable sexual encounter before the evening is done.

But another part of you tries to hold you back from doing what that other part desperately wants:

·         You’re on a diet, and you know that tasty morsel is bad for you. 

·         You know that it’s wrong to steal from the company.

·         You know that you should get off your butt, go to the gym, ride your bike or at least go out for a walk.

·         You should tell the cashier about the mistake and give back the money.

·         Either you or the other person (or both) is married or in a relationship, and you know it would be wrong to take the alcohol-influenced flirting any further.

We all find ourselves facing such internal conflicts many, many times throughout our lives. Choosing between “right” and “wrong” has been one of humanity’s most profound questions since we became capable of thought. It’s the stuff that probably gave birth to the science and art of philosophy, and in all of this deep philosophical pondering we have ascribed various causes and characters to the aspects of the struggle. 

We envision it as reasoned control vs. wanton desire, good vs. evil, light vs. dark, our better angels vs. our inner demons. We talk about “giving in” to our base impulses, as opposed to “doing the right thing.”

The Angel vs. the Devil

This struggle is often depicted in stories (and cartoons) as an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, both trying to convince a confused person to take a particular action. The devil in these caricatures lobbies for immediate, usually physical, gratification. If it feels good, do it! Don’t worry about what other people think or feel, or how it might affect them. Don’t worry about the future. Don’t worry about anything, except fulfilling your desire… now!

The devil represents our lower, more animalistic instincts. Generally, the depictions suggest that these are negative qualities and that to follow the devil and do what we want is wrong.

The angel, on the other hand, tries to convince you to follow a higher road, to not do something only because it might feel good at the moment. The angel tries to get you to consider the ramifications of your actions, for yourself and for others. If it feels good, okay, do it, maybe – but only if it won’t hurt anyone else or cause you problems in the future. 

The angel represents more evolved ideals, associated either with a spiritual morality or a kind of morality derived from intellectual consideration of the best course of action in the big picture. These are understood to be positive qualities and to follow the angel is to do what is right.

If a person consistently follows the devil’s advice and gives in to the base desires, he or she is considered bad, weak, lacking good morals, unenlightened and deserving of scorn. The person who consistently spurns the devil’s advice and follows the angel is seen as good, disciplined, strong-willed, having a positive character and worthy of praise and admiration.

And it seems that only a few people are able to always follow the higher road with that angel. A greater number of people, it seems, are more likely to follow the low road, at least most of the time. Many of us aspire to follow the higher path and perhaps do so most of the time, but we all have moments when we fail and let the devil have its way with us. We praise the person who almost always makes the “right” choice and vilify those who consistently follow the low road.

If it’s just an occasional slip, we usually are forgiven and not thought of too badly. After all, to always follow that “angel’s” advice can seem boring and deprive a person of some of the fun of life.

Real, External Forces?

These caricatures can be funny and thought-provoking, and most of us can relate to the notions they represent. And they help us to take a concept that is vexing and difficult to understand and present it in a simple way. But most of us understand that there is not really a pair of cartoon characters sitting on our shoulders and whispering into our ears.

Still, the idea of the angel and devil can be symbolic of what many people believe: that we are influenced directly by external, spiritual forces that try to coax each of us toward their directions. A force of “evil,” represented by the devil, that plants negative, evil thoughts into our minds and tries to draw us that way. Many people believe that this is not just symbolic, but a real evil spirit doing its worst to us.

Meanwhile, the “good” force – again, external – tries to convince us to follow a better path and, in this way, to save us from some terrible judgment and eternal punishment. The only thing for us to do is decide which external force to align with.  That’s our choice. But the “goodness” and “badness” are essentially external.  We are like pawns in their continual struggle for control.

Nothing Spiritual about It?

Still some other people – mainly those who do not believe in any higher power – would tell you that this is just the thinking process of a more highly evolved animal; it’s simply the mind vs. the body.  They see it as the differing points of view conjured up in the mind.  The mind considers what the body wants on one hand and, on the other hand, whether there are any consequences of doing what the body signals that it wants. 

If there are no serious consequences, or if the mind determines that the pleasure justifies the consequences, then it allows the body to go for it.  For such people, this is all there is to it. We are just animals, albeit a little more intellectually advanced than your typical aardvark.

The Soul Mind vs. the Physical Mind

I hold a somewhat different view, one for which I found an interesting correlation in Michael Newton’s Journey of Souls, the book that inspired me to write these posts about the subject of souls. Newton wrote that there is a difference between the “soul mind” and the “physical mind.” The soul mind is the cognizant energy of your soul, while the physical mind is the sentient, controlling power of your human brain.

According to the accounts of the many subjects Newton interviewed in a hypnotic state of (alleged) past-life regression, the soul enters the body sometime before birth. Usually it enters during an early stage of the person’s physical development, but sometimes the soul waits until just before birth to join with the body and physical mind. At least one subject stated that it is “boring” for the soul to spend a long time in the womb.

Before birth, the soul mind loses its recollection of previous lives, past experiences and lessons learned, at least on the surface. But those memories and lessons are there with the soul, under the surface or existing in the soul’s nonphysical dimension. From this spirit-world level of understanding, the soul attempts to influence the person toward the goals the soul had set out for itself before entering the body.

The physical mind, on the other hand, has its reality based purely in the physical world in which it exists and can sense.  Its perspective of life is based on what it can see, hear, touch and feel… what it is able to identify as “reality.”  Human needs, desires and dramas are what move this mind.

The soul’s mission is to tame this physical mind, to get the “wild child” to work with it jointly toward the soul’s goals.  And in this struggle, the soul has successes and failures that add to its experiences and development, and carry it along the life path it has chosen.

Now, this does not mean that the physical mind is always “weak” in its character, forever opting for wrong choices, but this does seem to be the usual case. And the soul is not always a perfectly correct being, a paragon of moral and spiritual good. Souls spend many lives over thousands of years learning and growing, so it stands to reason that many souls lack the strength and knowledge to subdue their physical partners and act on a higher level, especially in the earlier stages of their journeys.

So-called “young souls” have a lot to learn and probably find it very difficult to get the better of the physical side. But even a more veteran soul can find itself facing real challenges to overcome the mind and body it occupies. This is the point of having many human incarnations: the soul can’t grow if living in the physical dimension becomes too easy. So even quite advanced souls have battles with their physical minds; they choose situations in which they face increasingly higher levels of difficulty and increasingly more subtle challenges.  Sometimes the soul loses the battle, but it gains experience and strength for the next go-around.

Souls are not Infallible

Souls, throughout their development, are not perfect beings. They can make mistakes during their incarnations, which allows the physical mind to assume more control.  In Journey of Souls, Newton also wrote about situations where a strong physical mind can overwhelm the soul mind, especially if is a younger soul and not prepared for the challenge. In most cases, the soul mind recovers from the experience during the purely spiritual existence between physical lives. And that recovery helps the soul to become stronger from the experience.

But in some cases, the soul itself becomes what Newton described as “bent” by the strength of the physical mind. Such bent souls require a much greater amount of help and teaching between lives to recover and continue. Some souls, Newton’s subjects reported, become too bent for correction. It was not clear what happens to such souls, but the suggestion was that they wind up being sort of “uncreated.”

Perhaps this explains why we often get such evil persons in our midst. Serial killers, mass murderers, child predators and other sick puppies may be the result of bent souls. And maybe this explains how we can wind up with such dastardly and evil individuals like Attila, Mao, Pol Pot, Che Guevara, Hitler, Stalin or Putin.

It’s Not Black and White

Another aspect of this competition between the soul mind and the physical mind is that the notions of what is right or wrong are rarely clear and absolute. More often there are multiple shades of gray, and whether some action is right or wrong depends on many factors. What seems wrong in one situation might be right – or at least acceptable – in another.

Doing things that might not seem completely “right” by the standards of society is part of growing up, experimenting, gaining new experiences and insights, and getting the full sense of life in this physical dimension. Plus, society’s rules are not always the right way, at least not for everyone.

So the soul mind has to strike a balance, not only in its interaction with the physical mind, but even with itself as, together, the soul, mind and body navigate the physical realm and accumulate experiences, knowledge and insight. This combined team learns the thrill and joy of unbridled passion and adventure (even if it’s not universally accepted as right), the stability and comfort of conforming to what has been accepted as the right way, and where to draw the line between the two.

The Heart

Most human societies throughout time have associated the physical organ, the heart, with the most positive human emotions and behaviors: love, compassion, kindness, selflessness, etc. Of course, we know that the heart – while an essential organ – is really nothing more than a muscular blood pump. The “heart” associated with those positive traits lies somewhere else.

It seems to me that the heart, in this context, is that part of the soul mind that concerns itself with the well being of others. To the extent that the soul is able to get the physical mind to agree that putting others ahead of the self is the better way, a person can be said to have a good heart. Those for whom the soul cannot sway from more selfish path are said to be cold or even heartless.

Often too, it happens that we see advantages for ourselves in showing more heart and being less selfish. It may not be a “sneaky strategy,” and few people are truly altruistic, but often we learn that we get more out of life when we give more to others.

One thing I have noticed about myself is that while my physical mind may win out too often in the struggle over smaller, more personal things, like health choices, eating habits, dedication to work, etc., my soul seems to have won the physical mind over pretty well with regard to “having a heart.”

I have had moments in my life when I took a selfish path and hurt others, but it was never with hurt as an intention or without thinking very long and hard about it. And it’s been more often the case, especially in the past few decades, when I’ve given what I could, even without being asked.

This doesn’t make me anything special, in my opinion, just someone whose soul and mind have agreed that a heart is a good thing to have. Some years ago I received one of the best compliments I ever got when a girl I knew simply turned to me on a bus ride back from a baseball game and said, “you know, you’ve really got a good heart.”

What could be better than that?

There is a lot more that I could write on this subject, but it has to stop someplace or it will never get posted.  Part 3 of this series will be about “soul mates” and “soul friends.”  I hope I’ll get it done more quickly than I did this one.

Swiss Journal - May 2014

This post is sort of a diary of my trip to Switzerland over the May holidays to visit my daughter and her family. I am not writing about events so much as thoughts and impressions.  I am posting it with some starting thoughts, but I’ll add to it as the trip progresses, and probably even after that.

·         Switzerland is an absolutely gorgeous place.  This is especially true in the peaceful, rural areas, away from the bustle of cities like Geneva.  On Sunday, I took a walk with my camera along some paths in the farmland above Lake Geneva and took a few photos.  On Monday, my daughter and I went walking together, and she took this beautiful shot of Mount Blanc – which is in France, far across Lake Geneva – with some of the local farmland in the foreground.

·         In Kharkiv, we have this idea that Western Europeans are perfectly clean, always follow laws and rules, and have none of the rudeness that seems to be so common in our public lives.  They do have almost perfect roads, which I wrote about in this post called Substandards of Living from 2012.  But I was surprised today in Geneva to see how much disdain pedestrians have for the walk signals at crosswalks.  They ROUTINELY walk across on red if there is a break in traffic.  On the other hand, Swiss drivers are FAR more patient and considerate about stopping for pedestrians at crosswalks without lights. 

·         There are a LOT more smokers in Geneva and Vienna than I would have expected.  That is one habit that seems to die hard.  

·         Zombies exist and have practically taken over in Geneva.  Everywhere, you see people hypnotized by their mobile phones and other devices.  The zombies are on trains, in cars, in cafes, on the streets, and even on bicycles.  I am convinced that these devices were designed to bring out the inner idiots in people.  And they seem to be hugely successful.  It sort of validates what I wrote about in this post about Losing our Humanity.  While I was in Geneva today, I saw a man in a suit talking on his phone while trying to ride a bicycle along a very busy city street.  But the most fun was the texting girl who walked right into another person in Starbucks and spilled the other person’s coffee.  It was classic!

·         I really like Switzerland… very much!  It’s a shame, however, that I can’t speak a lick of French.  In Geneva (as in Vienna Friday morning), almost everywhere I went, I found people who spoke at least some English.  But in the villages and towns, it’s not the case.

·         It’s an interesting tendency I have: when I am someplace where the locals don’t speak English, my fallback inclination is to want to use Russian.

·         Hundreds of airplanes seem to pass over the Lake Geneva area every day.  It’s obviously a major pathway in all directions.  I don’t think I have ever seen so many contrails.

·         Today I sat in a city park next to Lake Geneva for a while.  It was nice and relaxing.  Everything was green, except for the multicolored flowers expertly placed in stylish pots along the wall separating the lake shore from the park.  The only drawback was the noise of the busy city street behind me.

·         Sitting by the lake, I tried not to think… just be.  But it’s hard.  My mind still goes to the problems in Ukraine, the events in Odesa and Donetsk, my worries about Kharkiv, my own life there, and my friends.  I can’t help wondering what’s going to happen and what I may have to do.  I have a lot of thoughts and things I want to write about this situation.  I hope I’ll find the inspiration to get it done.

·         There are days, like today, when my body is especially insistent about making sure I realize that I am not 25 anymore.  My back has been hurting since I left Kharkiv, and my knee decided to act up today, which all resulted in a pretty slow pace around Geneva.  When I get back, I absolutely have to get into some real therapy for my back.

·         I met a friendly cat this evening as I was walking back to the place where I am staying.  I had met this beautiful orange cat before on a previous trip.  It reminds me a bit of my former cat, Nekko… or at least how I thought he would grow up to look.  This cat is large, healthy and very well filled out.  Nekko wound up being sort of scrawny and with terrible matting in his long fur.  Still… he was a sweetheart.  I wrote a bit about Nekko (and his sister, Koshka) in the post called A Sick Cat.

·         I managed to make real progress on my second blog post about souls.  The first part, “What is a Soul,” was posted in mid-January, and I had planned to follow up with the second part after a few weeks.  Obviously, it hasn’t happened yet.  I bought a notebook and wrote while I was sitting by the lake.  I think I will be able to finally finish the post in another day or so.

·         UPDATE: I got the post done and posted.  The subject is "The Soul, the Mind and the Heart."

·         It's been cold here at night.  Temperatures have been down in the low single digits (Celsius), and Sunday night it actually dipped below freezing. Temperatures inside the room where I've been staying have been as low as 12 degrees C.  Yesterday was warm and perfect, without the high winds we had over the weekend.  That made it a perfect day to go into Geneva.  And this morning (Tuesday) the day is starting out to look very nice.  But it's a mountain trick; the forecast suggests that the rest of my days here will be mostly cool, cloudy and occasionally rainy.

·         Oh-oh... I feel a cold coming on.

·         And the cold came.  I felt miserable Tuesday and spent about 15 hours in bed Tuesday evening.  Getting better now, and it hasn't put a damper on the trip.

·         It's hard to believe that you can actually "savor" the aroma of cows, but you can.  Or at least, I can.  Being in this rural environment is so great - and such a change from the city - that even the smell of cow dung in the air is a delight.  It's just part of the charm, along with singing birds, peace and quiet, and beautiful landscapes.

·         Even when you are away on vacation and enjoying the change of pace, it's good to hear from someone back home.  I had a brief Skype chat with one of my friends in Kharkiv.  It is nice when someone reaches out to say "hello, how's it going?"  It reminds you that you do have a community to return to.

·         On the flip side, however, I was informed that my hot water will be shut off the day after I return to Kharkiv for the annual MONTH of system maintenance.  I need to enjoy my nice hot showers while I can.

·         This is my "Swiss Diary," but I should also mention that I spent most of a day in Vienna on my way.  Nice city, and I only got to explore a fraction of it.

·         Looking at this post in the regular "view" mode (as opposed to the "edit" mode) makes me more than a little disappointed that Blogger has such poor formatting.  It can't seem to take a properly laid-out document from MS Word and keep the formatting.  And what's more, when you go back in to edit or add new sections, the formatting goes crazy.  I really don't like this.

·         Saturday, 11 May. I spent several hours in the morning walking around the town of Nyon (pronounced "Ne-ouh"), which is situated on Lake Geneva. It was a beautiful, sunny morning. Very peaceful and quiet. There were a lot of bicyclists out because it was such a perfect day. There is a pedestrian mall in the center where there are many shops, including a lot of open street markets. People were just getting ready and set up there. There are also a lot of very old buildings, including a castle. By chance, I happened upon a group of people playing Alpine horns.

·         As I sat beside Lake Geneva and admired the beauty of it all, I wondered what it looked like there before people settled the area. That was thousands of years ago, of course. I often think about this when I am in a naturally beautiful place, and I wish there could be a way to travel back in time and see it.

·         Another thing that almost always crosses my mind when I am in places like that is how much nicer it would be to share the experience with some one special. It seems that almost all of my world travels have been solo experiences and, for that reason, a little lonely.

·         There are quite a lot of mixed-race couples and families here. I have noticed it before, and it was very apparent today in Nyon. It i quite unusual in Ukraine. No matter what your opinion might be about this, it's just a fact of life in many places. People of different races meet and sometimes fall in love. Families result. Such families are still the minority, even here, but they are certainly more common here than in many other places. It seems to me that it must be more comfortable for them - and especially for the children - in a place where it is not considered so unusual.

·         In a related matter, I also saw a lot of political posters on the main square that were related to immigration issues. Some obviously were in support of immigration controls, while others complained of xenophobia among the people who want more control over who comes into Switzerland. As I understand it, this is s big issue in the country these days and is part of a growing problem between the European Union and Switzerland (which is not an EU member).

·         One thing I will never get used to is eating French fries with mayonnaise. For me, it just has to be ketchup!

·         Another thing I've seen on each of my three trips to Switzerland, as well as on my trip last year to Budapest, and have never been able to accept is people bringing their dogs with them into shops, cafes and restaurants. Yes, I am sure that they love their pooches and think of them as practically being people. But, I mean, come on... they are dogs, animals! They don't belong in places where I am going to eat my food. It's hard to enjoy your meal with a flea train at the next table.

·         It seems to me that people have become way too silly about their dogs, even in Kharkiv. Besides thinking that it is acceptable to bring the mangy critters into public eating establishments, we see people walking their mutts with expensive collars or ridiculous looking sweaters or other clothing. What happened to the days when dogs were dogs? When did we start treating them like little children? What has happened to people? Maybe it's because we have created all these breeds of little yappy dogs that don't look like dogs at all; they look more like long-haired rats.

·         Once again my travels out of Ukraine have confirmed a very important point about the country I have called home since 2008: there are no more beautiful girls in the world than in Ukraine. I was not impressed at all with Vienna in this regard. And while the parts of Switzerland I have visited are not so bad, they are still far behind Ukraine. 

·         Made "Mother's Day" omelettes for Cristin and myself this morning. They came out perfectly, which is easy to do when you cook with quality pans on a modern stove, as opposed to mine which tilts to the left. Then it was off to the airport. Despite my back pain, it was a really great visit. I miss them already.

·         Geneva Airport: Access (via train) is excellent. Check-in was fast and easy. Security check... well, not so great. The lines are long. I remember it being like that last time too. Still, it's certainly not the worst airport I've been in (that "honor" goes to Semey (or Semipalatinsk) in Kazakhstan.

·         Speaking of trains, I love the trains I've used to go in and out of Geneva. These are the smoothest, quietest trains I have ridden. You don't hear the metallic sounds of wheels against the rails, and you hardly feel the movement at all. Quiet and comfortable... a nice way to travel.

·         I was sitting at a coffee shop in the airport when a group of Arabs came in - three men and three women. The men were dressed in modern casual clothes: T-shirts, sweatpants or jeans, trainers, etc. The women were head to toe in the kind of black outfits that allow only their eyes to show. The men sat at a different table from the women and never spoke to them. It was like they were two separate groups of people. When they were ready to leave, one of the men snapped something rudely at the women, who dutifully got up and followed the men. Yeah, I know... we're supposed to be "tolerant" of other cultural traditions, but I find the way they treat their women to be nothing short of disgusting. What kind of "culture" treats half of their population as almost like animals?

·         I mentioned before about digital-device zombies. On the flight from Geneva to Kyiv, I took note of all the people who were glued to devices of one kind or another. Whatever happened to reading (a real book), or just closing your eyes and listening to music while your mind wanders off? That's what I do; I listen to instrumental music, close my eyes, and just think. I let myself get deep into thought, not be superficially entertained by games and movies and messages. The worst was the guy sitting across the aisle from me (he was an American), who went back and forth between his tablet (with a keyboard) on which he was watching a news program (MSNBC - ugghh!), his smartphone, and two other devices. Again, I am convinced that we are becoming little more than smart monkeys.

Euromaidan: Why Should I Care?

My next post was supposed to be part two in my series about souls.  But I feel moved to write about Euromaidan instead.  This is the name that has been given to the antigovernment protest movement here in Ukraine. 

The protests have turned deadly in the past week.  There are different reports on the numbers killed or injured, and how it happened – this depends on the source of the report – but no one denies that there HAVE been fatalities now among the protesters.  In the past few days, protests have spread from Kyiv to other parts of Ukraine, and government buildings have been occupied in a number of cities.  Things are getting ugly and dangerous, and no one really knows how this is going to turn out.

Last week, like many people, I replaced my profile photos on Facebook and VKontakte with black squares with thin ribbons of blue and gold.  I did this as a small show of support for my many friends and acquaintances here for whom this is a serious and important matter.  And on Facebook, I’ve subscribed to some Euromaidan news services and shared a number of articles and photos.

The other day, an acquaintance noticed I had done this and asked me why.  He was curious to know why I should care about this: it’s not my country, I have the freedom to leave if I want, and (he suggested) it’s not about my life.  So why, he wondered, should I take such an interest in the Euromaidan movement.

My answer at that moment was not as complete as I would have liked, but it moved me to give it more thought and to write about it here.  Although it is relatively quiet in Kharkiv – which is actually a strong bastion of support for the current government and the ruling Party of Regions – I am very concerned about what is happening in the country now.  Here’s why.

More than anything, it is about people – people I know and care deeply about.  Because my concern for these people is the most important reason, I will save that part of the explanation for last.

What it’s About

Just a bit of background for those not here and fully aware of why this is happening.  These protests are not just about Ukrainians being disappointed that the government refused to sign the Association Agreement with the European Union.  Ukrainians want a better country, and many felt that the move toward Europe was their best hope.  So they were rightly outraged when, after several years of pro-Europe rhetoric and negotiations on the agreement, President Yanukovich suddenly decided not to sign it. 

But that was just the spark that lit the fire.  The fuel for the fire is Ukrainians’ long-simmering anger with the lack of real democracy in the country and the overt corruption of the Yanukovich regime and of government at all levels.

Members of the regime and its close associates have enriched themselves in ungodly fashion since Yanukovich won the presidential election in 2010.  Meanwhile, inflation has eaten away at the ability of regular people to keep up in the struggling economy.

And the regular people are fed up with seeing the rich and privileged be able to do whatever they want – even injuring or killing others – and face few or no consequences.  If you have money and friends in the court or other high places, the law doesn’t have to apply to you.  

The politically motivated trial and jailing of the opposition leader Yulia Tymoshenko was another overtly lawless act.  She is not a "clean" politician either, and only about half the country supported her in the 2010 election, but nearly everyone recognized her jailing for what it really was: a move to muzzle opposition to the regime.  And this shook people's faith further.

Courts and police exist more to protect the powerful and steal for themselves rather than to "serve and protect" the citizens.  People want real rule of law that protects everyone equally, and they’ve finally had enough of living in a two-tiered legal system.

Of course, the people who have power are desperate to maintain it.  When the people offer no resistance, it’s easy.  But when the people are finally fed up and start to fight back, such a regime can quickly become brutal, especially when they have the police to do the work for them.  The stories from Kyiv and elsewhere of kidnappings, beatings and even killings of protesters and journalists are chilling. 

These crimes are being perpetrated not only by police but by an informal force of athletic young men called “titushki” who are recruited by the government from sport clubs, especially martial arts clubs.  They are high on brawn and low on brains - classic thugs.  These neanderthals are paid the equivalent of $25 to $50 per day to attack peaceful protesters or to discredit the protest movement by pretending to be antigovernment protesters trying to ignite confrontations with police.  Strangely, the titushki are never arrested for their crimes.

Perhaps most galling was the government’s rush passage more than a week ago of a law that essentially bans and criminalizes any antigovernment protest or expression of opposition to the current regime.  The various points of the law range from farcical to Orwellian, and the response has been big and it has been violent.

With these kinds of abuses going on, it’s impossible to stand by quietly forever.

Despite the Warts, Politics are Important

It is understandable that most people prefer to not pay attention to politics.  Politics is often an ugly, nasty thing.  It seems that, by their nature, politicians are greedy, egotistical liars who get into the political swamp only to find personal benefit, mainly in the form of wealth and power.  Of course, there are exceptions – the rare people we look for to rise above cynical self-interests and provide ethical, reasoned leadership for the betterment of the country and its people. 

But, like it or not, politics decides the direction of our lives as parts of the societies in which we live.  Ignore it, and you leave it to others to decide for you.  Participate in some manner, and at least you make an effort to set a better direction for yourself and your family.  If enough like-thinking people get involved, it can make a difference.  This is why I choose to be involved, even if it only means being well informed and perhaps passing some of this information along to others. 

I am very critical of the American government, especially the last two administrations, and most especially the current one.  If I were there, there’s no doubt I’d be an active Tea Party member.  But although the American government is clearly abusing its Constitutional powers, it can’t hold a candle to the gross lawlessness and abuse of people being committed by the government here. 

In the face of such abuse, it’s impossible to stay quiet.  Keeping your head in the sand only makes it easier for others to come along and kick you in the ass.  It’s just my nature to take an interest and to care about such things.

It’s Not My Life?

I have been living more or less regularly in Kharkiv since late 2007, and I expect to get my permit next week to stay for another year.  I have a nice circle of friends and many good acquaintances.  My work teaching English has been very good for me, and the overall experience has taught me much and, I hope, made me a better person. 

So a large portion of my life, both in terms of time and personal attachments, has been spent here.  So what happens here definitely has an effect on my life.  The notion that I can just fly away whenever I want is simplistic and really not true.  This place is a part of me.  So from a personal perspective, it matters very much.

What Matters Most: People

The thing that affects me the most are the people I know here – people who have been a part of my life, in some cases, for almost seven years, people I care deeply about, people who I want to know are safe, secure and happy.  Friends and students have shared their dreams for the future (and sometimes their fears), and I want them all to realize those dreams and not have to face the fears.

They are the dreams that any of us would have: to fall in love and raise families; to have good jobs and a secure lifestyle for those families; to enjoy comfortable homes, modern conveniences and reliable infrastructures; to feel safe in their homes, their cars and on the street; and to have the freedom to travel and see something of the world.  Mostly, they want a good and fair country, one that can rival the standards of any country in Europe – not a country that clings to a stale Soviet past or a dictatorship in which only a privileged few can benefit.

It is because I do care so much about these people that I should and do care about what is happening in the country.  There are some individuals here who I sometimes wish I could just whisk away to a better life someplace else.  But I don’t have that power.  And while that might be a nice answer for some, for most the answer is to make Ukraine such a bright place to live that emigration would not even be a consideration.  This is their country; they don’t want to leave it, they want to make it better.

I was really moved the other day by some words that one girl wrote on social media.  She commented that she was afraid about what’s been happening, afraid that a serious line has been crossed with the killings and kidnappings and all the anger.  She also mentioned that she is ashamed to live in a city where the local government forces civil workers to attend rallies in support of the ruling political party. 

But more, she felt ashamed that she tries to pretend things are OK and even more ashamed that she is thinking more frequently about emigration.  But she finished by saying that she loves Ukraine and Kharkiv, despite the cynical nature of the people, and she wants to believe that by summer things will be normal again. 

I hope things will be normal again soon too.  More than that, I hope that what is happening now, as difficult and frightening as it might be, will lead this country closer to being a place in which my friends’ dreams will be easily realized and their fear a thing of the past.

This is why Euromaidan matters to me.