When Falling in Love Was Easy

Maybe it’s just me.  But I doubt it.

Nothing seems easier or feels more wonderful than falling in love when you are young. Those are magic years, from the mid-teens to the mid-20s when hormones are raging, the feelings are new and exciting, and you haven’t yet had your heart torn out, stomped on, burned to a crisp, and then tossed into a dirty dumpster – at least not more than once.

During that time, there are no fears, no worries, and everything is about wonderful feelings and endless possibilities. We are blissfully naive and without a cynical bone in our bodies, and it feels great.

We can trust without reservation. And even if that trust is broken and the object of our affection leaves, we still have the capacity to cue up some more absolute trust for the next person. Sure, we remember the hurt, but the nature of our minds and bodies in those years is such that we can pretty easily put it aside for the next warm smile, fetching body or enthralling words.

Love is the Drug

The sex in those years is mind-blowing, and that has a lot to do with why we can just keep charging forward. Common descriptions like fireworks, explosions or “out of this world” simply do not do justice to the way we can completely lose ourselves in the fullness of the physical and emotional gratification we get. And, like a drug, we can’t get enough, and almost nothing can stop us.

But it’s not just the sex (for most people). It’s also about the pure feeling of connection with that other person and the anticipation of a beautiful future together. It’s the mind picture of building something important, something lasting, even though at that age we still have a hard time really focusing on the next day, let alone the rest of our lives. But the strong emotions (and that unabated trust) give us a sublime sense of security that in this person we have someone who will stand by us forever.

For some, there might be a little worry about rejection that can make them hesitant to “make a move,” but for most of us in those years that fear doesn’t factor into our thinking… or perhaps I should say, our actions (we don’t think much in those years). If we meet some rejection, we can more easily shrug it off. At that age, the sea truly is filled with beautiful, wondrous fish. If one doesn’t take your bait, you don’t have to wait long for an even better one to come along.

Yes, falling in love at that age is mostly carefree and easy. But then, it seems, something happens. We start to develop something awful: fear.

Things Start to Change

As we move through our later 20s, into our 30s, and progress toward our middle years, the brightness of the fire begins to fade. It doesn’t go out altogether, of course, and the changes happen later for some than for others… but it happens. And that brightness starts to be replaced, to one extent or another, by a cold, dark cloak of fear.

The hormones don’t rush at hyper-speed quite like they did before. And in many ways, that’s a good thing. But without that hormone blitzkrieg to ward off the bad stuff and keep us coming back for more, our realization of the fact that bad stuff exists begins to take root and gives us pause to think a bit more before we jump.

After a few more disappointments or all-out massacres of the heart, our ability to trust so easily diminishes and cynicism becomes more prevalent. We go from “anything is possible,” in the positive sense, to “anything is possible,” in the sense of what other people are capable of doing to us.

The Lucky Ones

Now, for many people this doesn’t really matter. They found their “right ones” during those “wonder years,” married, started families, and for the rest of their lives they are no longer concerned with dating, new relationships and all that stuff. That is, they’re not supposed to be concerned with it.

And I suppose that’s how nature intends for it to work. During the feverish years, we fearlessly tread the tumultuous waters of dating life until we couple up with someone. Then we turn our attention to working, building families, raising children, buying homes and going on vacations. The hormones and naiveté of the first stage are intended to help us find mates, and then it’s all supposed to calm down so that we stop that crazy searching and experiencing, and do the rest of the life stuff with a partner.

For the Rest – Too Many Questions

But it doesn’t work out this way for everyone. In fact, given divorce rates and such, it seems that a majority of people go through the shock of seeing their idyllic “together forever” lives shattered. Then they find themselves “out there” again in the dating scene (and possibly again, and again). So there they are, trying to navigate the dating and relationship rapids once again, but now their boats are overladen with the baggage they’ve accumulated, and it becomes much harder to steer the right course toward paradise.

What was so easy and straightforward – even instinctual – in those early days is thrown into a confusing jumble, fraught with the doubt and fear that have taken over their hearts. They start to face questions they never considered in the carefree early years:

• “Is she really interested or just being nice?”
• “Does he really like me or just looking for sex?”
• “Why did she say that?”
• “Why hasn’t he called?”
• “What if I move too fast? Will she think I just want sex?”
• “What if I don’t move fast enough? Will she think I’m not interested?”
• “Why hasn’t he made any moves yet? He hasn’t even tried to hold my hand!”
• “Why did she move away when I got close? I thought she was into me?”
• “He seems so nice, but they always seem nice at first; will he become a jerk later?”
• “I’m divorced – they will think I am “damaged goods!”
• “I’ve never been married – they will think I’m a loser!”
• “What if he is actually married?”
• “OMG… I think she might be married!”
• "What if he doesn't like the way I kiss?"
• “What if we aren’t compatible in bed?”
• “What if we’re compatible in bed but not much else?”
• “Maybe I’m too old.”
• “Maybe she (or he) is too old.”
• “I’ve been living alone for years; what if I can’t adapt to living with another person again?”
• “How can I find someone who will accept my kids?”
• “My looks have faded – how could anyone ever be really interested in me again?”
• “I have to work so much – how can I find time to start or build a relationship?”
• “All the good ones are already married or in relationships, and the ones who aren’t are losers – how can I ever find someone good?”
• “I’m not married or in a relationship – does this make ME one of the losers?”

Not everyone tortures themselves with so many questions, of course. Some people may find themselves asking only a few of these questions but not the others. Some people might still have supreme self-confidence – or been lucky enough to have not had their hearts torn out, stomped on, burned to a crisp, and then tossed into a dirty dumpster (at least not more than once) – and rarely entertain any such questions.

Maybe one of the biggest hurdles has to do with trust. Trust comes easily in those early years, but after enough violations, it becomes harder to put your trust in anyone. And after each successive time that you trust and lose, it is that much harder to trust the next person. He or she may be truly wonderful and have done nothing to cause you to be skeptical, but you start to think about how others seemed that way at first too. So you hold on to your trust like a dog guards a bone, waiting for some “sure sign” that it is safe to give it up.  

Like a mountain snowstorm, life can drop deeper and deeper layers of icy cold powder on you. But whether you bury yourself under all the doubt or just get lost in the whiteout from time to time, the point is that it is NEVER as easy later in life as it was in those magical early years.

But it’s Not the End

The fact that it is more difficult does not mean that it is impossible to find a wonderful person and build that “together (for the rest of) forever” life. It IS possible, and maybe even better. I think the fact that we get more self-protective after the hard knocks can be a good thing. If you can get past the fear, you can use it to make better decisions and find someone who will NOT add another notch on your failure stick… someone who will make all the previous heartache worth it.

It’s just that the process is a little harder, so maybe you have to do a little more. We tend to get into a protective comfort zone, and if you really want that relationship paradise, you have to have the courage and make the effort to step out of your comfort zone (but in a wiser way).

You have to take some chances and not be deterred if the other person’s fears result in an initial reaction that’s not what you had hoped for.  One of the biggest fears is to broach that question: “Are we just friends or is there something more at work here?” Often both people have the same silent question and let the fear of learning the answer keep them in the friends mode, even when perhaps they both would like to jump out of that mode.

The thing in this case is that you have to really KNOW what you want. Do you KNOW that you want to just keep this person as “just a friend”? Or do you KNOW that you like this person enough (in a “more than just friends" way) to at least try to make it more. If you don’t know for sure what you want, try to figure it out, because the other person might be thinking seriously about it and looking for a sign.

Communication is the key to everything. Our fears make us very unclear, and we send out mixed messages; we don’t intend to do this, be we do it anyway. This communication glitch is a big part of what makes it all so hard.

In the early years, we are usually much more clear with our verbal and physical messages: we quickly include the other person into virtually all aspects of our lives, we touch and kiss and move into sex quicker and without much hesitation, and we say “I love you” pretty easily, even though we don’t really understand the deeper meaning of the word and may be just reacting to the rush of emotions. But our intentions are usually pretty hard to misunderstand.

So it takes some extra effort to get past the worries and make it work. You have to know what you want, do your best to figure out if this person at least has the potential to be what you want, and then you have to have the courage to be clear about your feelings and desires, and not worry if the reaction isn’t what you hoped.

This doesn’t mean you have to proclaim your love before you even know if you like the same music styles or wallpaper designs. But it does mean that you should have the courage to be clear about whether you see this person as just a friend or possibly something more. And if it is your intention to try to build something more, make that clear. If you really only see the other person as a friend, even a very good friend, make that clear too.

Communicate! Don’t let the fear hold you back. Getting past the fear can be hard, but the results can be more than worth it.

------------------------------------

PS - If all else fails, get drunk together and see how quickly you can revert back to being fearless teenagers.