Turkey Part 2 - Nature's Light Show (and other entertainment)

“When you wish upon a star,
makes no difference who you are.
Anything your heart desires
will come to you.
Like a bolt out of the blue,
fate steps in and sees you through.
When you wish upon a star,
your dreams come true.”               - Jimini Cricket, Pinocchio

The first few days at Le Jardin, we were treated to a special kind of evening entertainment, courtesy of Mother Nature: the annual Perseid Meteor Shower, which peaks on 12 and 13 August. I had not had a chance to watch the August sky for years, as Kharkiv is not the kind of place where you can easily see stars at night. But looking out over the Mediterranean, we had a wide, clear sky to watch for “shooting stars.”

Tuesday evening, 11 August, after the sun went down, we sat on beach chairs at the water’s edge and just looked up. We saw a few faint streaks, but then, around 9:30 p.m., we caught a bright streak of fire across the sky. And we all made wishes.

The next night, 12 August, we again settled on beach chairs and awaited what we expected to be an awesome show. Like the night before, we saw a few faint streaks before being again treated to a brief, but very bright, red streak of light across the sky. And we all made wishes.

We expected more that evening, but it wasn’t to be. Later that night, however, I had trouble sleeping. So around 3:30 a.m. Thursday morning, I got out of bed and went out on the balcony to just sit for a while and watch the sky. Sure enough, I was rewarded with about five more obvious meteors. And I made wishes.

Why Wish Upon a Star?

Legend has it that the practice of wishing upon a shooting star originated in ancient Greece. The philosopher and scientist Ptolemy suggested that the gods occasionally peered down at the Earth, and when they did so, it caused a gap through which a star could fall. He reasoned that this indicated that the gods were paying attention to people on the Earth at that moment, so it was a fortuitous time to make a wish.

We make wishes upon stars, when we toss a coin into a fountain or well, when we blow out candles on a birthday cake, and in many other situations. In such instances, we feel that some kind of special magic is at play that can make our wish come true. In Istanbul, we came across a place where you are supposed to insert your thumb into a hole and turn your hand in a complete circle while making a wish.

While there is probably no special magic in stars, fountains or holes in columns, there is the matter of belief and the power our beliefs can have. We WANT to believe that some kind of power can make our dreams come true and help us achieve our desires. If we believe that some external thing or event has the power to help deliver our wishes, it gives those wishes strength, at least in our hearts and minds.

I think this is related to Power of Intention, which I have mentioned occasionally in previous posts. The idea is that we create our lives, manifest what we want in our lives, in cooperation with a creative, universal intelligence (God, if you prefer). What you think about and talk about the most, what you give the most energy to, is what you manifest in your life, whether you realize it or not.

While wishing on a star might not be the most effective way to put the Power of Intention to work for you, it certainly can’t hurt.

Human Entertainment

Those early morning streaks that I saw from the balcony were the end of nature’s show. So for the rest of the time, we relied on the resort’s entertainment crew to do the job. For the next several nights, after our regular post-dinner walk, we enjoyed dance shows in the resort’s amphitheater.

The first was a dance troupe that performed traditional Turkish dances. This group was probably the most technically talented of the lot. They included a dance of whirling dervishes, as well as some delightfully wicked belly dancing.

The next night featured a group from Cuba that performed salsa and other Cuban dances. They were entertaining, but not as good as the first or third groups.

The third night featured a drum and tap-dance group that was supposedly from Moldova. This group was easily the most creative and unique of the three, and I enjoyed them a lot.

Other nights featured live music, beach parties, and other kinds of entertainment. But we were not much for late-night parties or shows because we were generally exhausted from our full days of sun and sea.

Throughout each day, the resort’s entertainment crew (animators, as they call them) provided games and activities for all ages. We liked doing aqua-aerobics in the sea, and there were other kinds of fitness activities, daily water polo games in the big pool, football (soccer) kicking challenges, and many other activities.

You have to work really hard to be bored at such a place.

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Here is a short video of the 2015 Perseid meteor shower (not my video):

Turkey Part 1 - At the Resort

This is the first in a series of posts about a travel experience. It’s kind of similar to my Swiss Journal and American Journal posts from the past, except that this time the impressions will be spread out in different, individual posts, instead of collected in one (I have already posted one entitled, The Loss of Dance). This time, it’s about a vacation on the south coast of Turkey. I returned just a few days ago, and it’s time to write.

Le Jardin

The resort where we stayed is called Queen’s Park Le Jardin. Located in Kemer in Turkey’s Antalya district, it’s an all-inclusive resort hotel, which means you pay one price for airfare, ground transportation to and from the hotel, room charges, food, drinks – almost everything.

Of course, they still find some things to entice you to spend extra money – like spa treatments and day trips to places like Istanbul, Israel, Cyprus or a number of places within Turkey. And if you really like spending money, the street outside the resort is lined with shops where Turkish entrepreneurs are ready to take tourists’ euros or dollars for various trinkets, most of which are probably made in China (isn’t everything?). You can walk and walk and walk in either direction from the resort, and there seems to be no end to the shops.

I was not sure what to expect from this place. Most of the photos we looked at on the Internet made it look glorious, but that’s what marketing propaganda is supposed to do. We saw a few photos of dirty rooms in poor repair posted on some third-party travel sites, but I think these might have been posted by one or two disgruntled guests. We saw nothing but a clean and very well-maintained facility.

Our room was a bit bigger than we had feared, which was a relief for me. It was a two-person room with an extra bed added for a third: me. The third bed was small and a bit uncomfortable with a support bar under the mattress pretty much where my hip needed to be, but that didn’t really affect my sleep. If my brain wanted me to sleep, I slept. And after full days of sun and sea, I was usually able to sleep pretty well.

One of the biggest parts of the experience at such a place is eating. There was a large restaurant that prepared meals in an all-you-can-eat, buffet format. The food area was connected to two huge dining halls: one for smokers and one for normal people. In addition, there was a restaurant located between the beach and the pools, which served a nice buffet-style lunch for those who wanted to have a quick lunch in their bathing suits.

Getting your food to the table safely in the main dining halls was a challenge as you had to navigate the chaos of hundreds of other people doing the same, most of whom didn’t pay attention to anyone else as they scurried from point to point, checking out the food and loading their plates. Little kids were a particular hazard.

The food quality was excellent! I especially loved being able to attack the salad bar, which had a mesmerizing variety of veggies already cut and ready to just be placed on your plate. It points out that I would sure eat a lot more salad at home if I didn’t have to buy and prepare all the vegetables myself. Yes, in this regard I am lazy.

The workers at Le Jardin were mostly Turkish with a few foreigners (Russian, German, etc.) in the entertainment crew (they call them "animators"). They were outstanding and mostly very polite. Almost all of them spoke some English and Russian. Many were fluent in Russian, and there are also many who could communicate in German and French.

The best attraction (in my opinion) was the beach area and being able to swim in the very warm Mediterranean Sea. It was my first time visiting the Med, and it seemed much saltier than my previous experiences with the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans; I read later that the Med is, in fact, saltier, especially in the eastern part. The resort also had several pools, water slides, a popular poolside bar and another bar inside the hotel, a nice spa, nightly entertainment, and other attractions.

Le Jardin is just one of a string of hotel resorts that line the seaside in Kemer. At any given time in the summer, there are thousands of tourists from countries all over Europe and elsewhere. There were LOTS of Russians there as well as tourists from Germany, France and other countries. Often we heard languages that we couldn’t place, perhaps from Scandinavian countries or Finland.

We knew that there were other Ukrainians there because at least two from our plane were on the same bus to this resort, and several families made the bus trip back to the airport with us for the flight to Kharkiv. But the few Ukrainians who were there were greatly outnumbered by Russians.

We heard English spoken, but not by any native speakers. Apparently there were some South Africans there, but we encountered no Brits. And there definitely were NO other Americans there. I was an anomaly at Le Jardin, and drew attention from some other guests for our conversations in English and Russian: we seemed to confuse a few people.

Heat and Humidity

You come to a beach vacation spot like this in summer because of beautiful weather and warm water. And we had those things here in spades. But along with that comes intense heat and, in many places, high humidity.

The temperatures were in the mid-to high 30s (Celsius) by day (that’s low to mid 90s F), and it rarely got below 25 C at night (77 F). The humidity ranged from around 30 percent, which is not too bad, to 100 percent, at which point I pretty much just melt. All in all, it sort of reminded me of my long-ago days on the island of Guam.

The sun was really intense from mid-morning to late afternoon. Despite liberal (I hate that word) use of sunscreen, I got sunburned by our second day, but it passed. We got into a routine of having lunch and resting a bit during the hottest part of the day, then returning for more swimming when the sun got a little lower in the sky and less intense.

And we also established "our spot" each morning in a grassy area with lots of trees for shade. While some people preferred to be poolside or right at the edge of the beach all day, we opted for what we called "The Garden," where we had shade for resting. We figured we could spend as much time in the sun as we wanted while swimming, and in fact, we spent much more time away from our lounge chairs than on them. And "our spot" was equally convenient to the beach and the pools, as well as to the hotel itself.

What got to me the most was the humidity. It just soaks into your clothes at certain times of the day and makes you feel really uncomfortable. Combined with intense heat, it can also make you feel sick. I have never liked high humidity, which is why I love Colorado and don’t miss the Eastern USSA.

For me, humidity also had other effects. It made it harder to sleep (although we did have mediocre AC in the room), and sometimes it just totally zapped the energy out of my body. Without the sea and pools there, I would have perished. After a while, it also gets to your mind and affects your mood and reactions. I found that I had to take extra care with this, especially in dealing with people from different cultures.

I had never appreciated cold showers like I did there. I wound up taking at least three, and sometimes four or five, showers per day. Mine were cold in order to pull the heat out of my body. I found it especially necessary to have a good cold shower before going to bed.

On the plus side, with beautiful weather combined with all-day swimming, you spend most of the day in bathing suits. And this means that your other clothes last longer (even underwear).

The Results

With the exception of one daytrip to Istanbul, we spent the entire 11 days swimming, eating and just relaxing. I had been told that it is impossible to go on such a vacation and lose weight, but that had been one of my goals. And I had pretty good success.

I returned home about three and a half kilos (more than seven pounds) lighter than when I had left, and I found that I could fit into several pairs of jeans and shorts that previously I could not wear. That was pretty encouraging.

The main reason was a lot of physical activity each day and very little sitting. We swam in the sea at least four or five times each day, plus there were pools and a fair amount of walking. This more than made up for the eating we did.

But even the eating was good. I ate fruit, salads and prepared vegetables at almost every meal, and the meat I ate was mainly grilled chicken or turkey. A couple of times I relented to stuff like hamburgers or pancakes, but this was the exception, not the rule. I probably could have done even better, but all things considered, the result was great.

In addition, in such high heat and humidity, you have to drink a LOT of water, and the resort bar always had plenty of bottled water available. So the combination of high activity, good eating, and drinking lots of water really had a positive result. My challenge, now that I am back in Kharkiv, is to keep it up and not regress. And this is a BIG challenge!

I also came back with the deepest suntan I’ve had in many, many years. I had not spent that much time by the sea in decades, and my shoulders, back and stomach had not seen that much sun for equally as long.

Perhaps most important of all, I did not think about work or similar concerns for almost the entire time. Except for some personal matters that I couldn’t shake entirely, I was able to let my mind take a real rest. And that is the purpose of such a vacation. The only problem was that the time was too short and went by in a flash. I would definitely go back and do it again.

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I have already posted some thoughts about dancing that came to me at one point during the trip. In the coming days, I’ll add a few more posts about this trip; I have already started on several. Some of the topics include the light show we got from the Perseid meteor shower, some further impressions of the other nationalities with whom we shared the place, smokers, being in the sea, my impression of Turkey, and more (I hope).

The Loss of Dance

Dancing is one of the most beautiful, fun and soulful things that a human being can do. Dancing brings out a person’s inner joy, gives it physical form and expression, makes the body feel lighter and, in turn, lightens the mind and spirit. I don’t know how anyone can live without dance; I don’t know how I can.

Throughout my adult life, I have loved to dance. From the first awkward steps in junior high school, I began to discover that I had a little more rhythm than a lot of other guys, plus I loved good music, and the music of the day was perfectly suited for dancing. So I took to enjoying dance early.

At first, of course, I didn’t know any real steps – no one did. It was all freestyle, but it was fun. We just moved with the music (however spastic we looked) copied what others did or what we saw on television, and slowly developed our own moves.

Disco gave us the Hustle and the Bump, which were great fun, and having some real form made dancing even more enjoyable. I remember some of the best times of my early life that revolved around dancing: clubs and parties in New Jersey; Guam; Norfolk, Virginia; Monterey, California; and Japan.

When I returned to college after my Navy days, going to the local dance clubs was a regular weekend (and sometimes weeknight) routine for my friends and me. I still have vivid memories of dancing with friends in Washington’s, Fort Ram and other places. And I remember compliments I got about my dancing from onlookers in those days (especially one particular evening in Washington's).

Later, there were clubs and parties in Denver, and when I began taking business trips to South America, my feet got happy in a number of great Latin clubs in Lima and other places.

The Studio Experience

For a long time, I wanted to take dance lessons and learn real steps to couples’ dances. Finally, and with some urging from my daughter, I did it. I ponied up the bucks to take lessons at a studio in Aurora, Colorado, and I loved it. I learned Swing and Latin dances, as well as some Waltz.

I had the opportunity to apply what I was learning to amateur competitions, called Showcases, organized by the studio. I won a lot of first-place blue ribbons at the showcases and did “show routines” for fun.

Apart from those organized events, my studio friends and I went to local dance clubs to practice and have fun. It was a great time, and the moves I learned for couples’ dancing also helped me to add even more panache to my freestyle dancing.

For years before I started dancing at the studio, and throughout that time, I had been a committed workoutaholic – spending between four and six days a week at the gym for aerobic work and lifting. I was fit and my legs were strong; my gym “hobby” supported my dance hobby perfectly.

It was the peak of my enjoyment of dance – and life.

Slowing Down

They say that all good things come to an end. There is some truth to this, I suppose. Eventually, I just couldn’t justify the expense of my studio lessons. Over a period of several years, I had spent thousands of dollars. Toward the end of my studio dancing days, I started a new job. As my work became more demanding, particularly with extensive travel, I quit the studio and dancing fell into the background.

To make matters worse, age was nipping at my heels. Old injuries were reacquainting themselves through increasingly sore joints, and a few new injuries to my back and legs set me back further. I fell into a bad routine where hours of sitting replaced real physical activity. Working out became something I aspired to in words only, rather than a staple of my life. I gained weight – a lot of weight, which made it harder to get either to the gym or the dance floor. All of that combined with the Internet pushed dancing even further into the background. 

But I never thought it would be something that would fade out of my life completely.

Realizing the End

Of course, when we are young and enjoying life, we can never imagine the things we love fading out of our lives. We can never envision actually growing old. We can never imagine the changes that are inevitable, the limitations that grow larger and stronger as our bodies stop performing the way they used to.

This hit me last night when I was at a beach party watching other people enjoying dancing and realizing that I just could not do the same. My back, hip and knee just didn’t want to cooperate. They couldn’t.

At first, I tried to move with the music the best I could, to at least get myself swaying with the rhythm and get close to something resembling dance. But it just wasn’t happening. I couldn’t even get my sense of rhythm working enough to sway with the music properly. The spirit was willing, but the body wasn’t.

I felt very embarrassed to be there.

Maybe it’s my own fault. More than a decade of sedentary sitting in front of a computer, not exercising much, and eating way too much crap has added a lot of bad weight that destroys balance and weakens the muscles and joints that are so essential to enjoying dance.

Finally I decided to just sit and watch others, rather than stand in one spot looking either spastic or like a statue. And as I sat there, watching others revel in the joy of dance and remembering how I would never have let such an opportunity pass me by, I became sad. There was no anger, no envy, no bad feelings for those who were experiencing that joy of movement – I was glad for them.

But I was sad in the realization that I have lost something that had always meant a lot to me, and I never saw it leave. I neglected my body, the years took their toll, and my ability to dance was gone. I fear that it is gone for good.

Three years ago I tried to participate in a Tango class, and found that I had some of the same problems with balance and leg strength. (Blog post Beware of the Dance Floor Hazard.) But I still felt that I had my sense of rhythm and that it could be possible to lose weight and get back to some level of dancing again. Now, I don’t think it’s possible – it seems that I have lost it completely.

Even if I lose all the excess weight, keep exercising, and regain some of my lost strength, I don’t think I can ever get it all back. My back and knee are shot, and I don’t have that flexibility in my lower back and hips that is so essential to good dancing. If I could ever dance again, it would be only a shadow of what it once was.

It’s age, I guess, and I can’t help but wonder how many more cherished abilities will fall to the wayside in the coming years.

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The point of this post is that if you love dance or any other kind of special physical activity, don't take it for granted. Take care of your body – now! Keep it strong enough to be an able partner for the joyful willingness of your spirit. Don't let it rot to the point that your spirit can only sit and sadly recollect what used to be.

Idiots on Bikes

In one of my speaking groups we recently discussed a topic called “Stupid People.” It’s sort of fun to think about and discuss the idiocy that we see all around us on a regular basis. It’s also insightful sometimes to realize that there are times when each of us can be guilty of a little public idiocy ourselves.

I see a lot of idiocy around me each day. I notice things here in Kharkiv that generally would not happen in the USSA, but it doesn’t mean that there are a higher percentage of idiots here; it just means that in some countries, natural stupidity (especially the dangerous variety) has been better identified and sanctions put into place to bring it under control.

In other countries, like Ukraine, progress in changing the culture to reduce idiocy and increase public responsibility and mutual respect comes a little more slowly. Ironically, it seems to me that American culture is becoming courser, shallower and more self-centered, thus causing the level of public idiocy to increase. If I were in the USSA, I am sure I’d still have plenty of fodder for a blog post on idiocy.

Idiocy happens everywhere, all the time, and in the course of just about every activity. For this post, I am focusing on bicycle idiocy. I’ve been riding my bicycle a lot this spring, and there are some things I see routinely that drive me crazy. So, here are five of my pet peeves about mental midgets on two wheels.

1.   Riding while wearing headphones. Riding a bike safely requires you to be fully aware of your surroundings, especially if you are sharing the road with a large number of mostly incompetent, mentally unstable and borderline homicidal drivers (like in Kharkiv). You can’t be fully aware of your surroundings when you have heavy metal, techno or rap crap blaring into your ears from a set of noise-canceling headphones. Idiocy in its purest form.

2.   Riding in the wrong direction. Bicycles are basically supposed to follow the same rules of the road as cars, although cyclists everywhere seem to eschew the rules defiantly. That said, it should be a no-brainer to realize that a bike should ALWAYS be ridden on the right side of the road, in the same direction as traffic. Unfortunately, some small amount of brainpower does seem to be required to ride correctly, and it’s apparent that there are a number of cyclists peddling around without any gray matter at all. It amazes me that there are still people who are stupid enough to ride on the left, against traffic, and right toward me as I am riding on the correct side. Makes me want to kick them as they go by (but then I’d be an idiot too). Complete morons!

3.   Speeding and weaving around pedestrians on busy sidewalks. Bicycles should be ridden on dedicated bike paths or lanes, or if such lanes are not available, on the street. Too often I see monkeys masquerading as people zipping along crowded sidewalks, using the pedestrians as a kind of fun obstacle course. It’s all fun and games until some pedestrian – without the benefit of eyes in the back of his or her head – turns suddenly into the path of a speeding bike. They are potential hazards to people who walk where they are supposed to be walking. Please don’t let these ignorant airheads drive cars!

4.   Talking on mobile phones while riding. It’s bad enough that people distract themselves with phones while driving cars (more on that in another post), but to try to talk on a phone and ride a bike at the same time is the ultimate in cycling idiocy. Let’s not even get into biking and texting! To keep yourself and others around you safe, you need TWO hands on the handlebars. As in cars, phone chats should be taboo while in motion; shouldn’t this just be common sense? Only an absolute pinhead would do this.

5.   Riding to the right of a bus that is discharging passengers. The bus pulls over to the curb at a bus stop. There is usually between one and two meters between the bus and the curb (on the right). The doors open (on the right). Passengers get off and others get on (on the right). And some bicyclist with the mental capacity of a retarded goldfish spins past the bus (on the right) precisely where the passengers are disembarking. I’ve seen one instance where a cyclist hit a woman getting off a bus. They would rather risk hurting a pedestrian than be bothered to check traffic and pass the bus on the left as they should. This surpasses idiocy; the appropriate word here begins with an “a” and ends with “hole.”

There… I feel better now.
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Yes, that last photo of the idiot talking on his phone is Alec Baldwin, who is a renowned moron for more reasons than can be related here.

Settling For Less

Perfection is a very subjective notion.

Objectively speaking, nothing and no one is perfect. A lot of things come close, but nothing can ever be perfect in the most absolute sense of the word. And many, many things are about as far from perfect as one can imagine. Despite the fact that absolute perfection is impossible, many people still pursue some level of perfection – what might be perfect for them – because, after all, perfection is a very subjective notion. And in so doing, they achieve success and happiness.

But the far greater majority of us use the idea that nothing is perfect as an excuse to take the easy road in life and settle for things that are insanely imperfect. We allow ourselves to be “satisfied” with less than we could have and probably should have. We are too lazy or afraid to challenge ourselves to our full potentials.

How we settle

We settle for work that doesn’t inspire us or give us the means to live a truly comfortable and free life. We waste our lives in jobs that are far below our potentials, just so that we can get by. We put up with bad bosses (who themselves are probably frustrated from settling for less), office politics, stupid rules and corporate bureaucracy, stressful commutes, boring work, and everything else, instead of doing what we love to do, with people we like to be around, in an environment that gives us a sense of accomplishment. Meanwhile, our insides rot from doing work from which we derive no joy for compensation that is below what we want and deserve.

We settle for living with less wealth than we are capable of acquiring and, therefore, with less comfort and security than we should have. We’ve been tricked into believing that having even moderate wealth is somehow wrong simply because other people don’t have it. But this is a lie. Acquiring an appropriate amount of wealth is not wrong at all, provided it has been acquired honestly and some portion of it has been offered back to help others (NOT by being taken and redistributed by government). And even if we don’t believe that having some wealth is wrong, too many of us don’t believe we are capable of building a comfortable life through wealth, so we don’t try. We either can’t come up with a vision of how to do it, or we just don’t want to put in the work required.

We settle for food with reduced nutritional value or that is even harmful to our bodies. We take the quick and easy route, rather than invest the small amount of extra time it might take to eat healthier. We buy what’s been made cheaper through mass production and the “wonders” of chemical and genetic engineering, rather than esteem ourselves enough to pay a little more for real food. We let ourselves be conditioned to believe that the overly processed crap we eat is tasty, and we don’t value our bodies enough to break free of that conditioning and fuel our bodies with the best food.

We settle for poor physical condition and, eventually, failing health because we are too lazy to do the work required in order to keep our bodies fit. We know that we need to exercise, but we’d rather just sit in front of a computer or lie in front of a television for hours being “entertained.” We don’t appreciate the satisfying feeling of pushing our bodies to new levels of achievement, the high that comes from the enzymes released as our muscles work. We don’t seek the joy of working up a good sweat. We don’t take the need for exercise seriously until we start to have problems, and usually not even then.

We settle for entertainment that offers us nothing of real intellectual or spiritual value. Our eyes and ears take in what the television, computer, movie screen or music presents, we get a brief laugh or other reaction, and then it’s gone. And we’re none the better for it. And worse, too many of us settle for entertainment that actually corrodes our minds and morals or twists our thoughts with deceitful political propaganda. And in the process of sitting and mindlessly taking in this “entertainment” pabulum, our bodies become weaker and our physical health deteriorates along with our mental health.

We settle for government that doesn’t serve the people but, instead, serves itself to our money. Instead of demanding the kind of responsible and responsive government we should have, we hand over power to self-serving elitists who use that power to enrich themselves or force their personal ideological agendas on us (usually to our detriment). Most of the time they do both. But we just settle for what we have and keep mindlessly voting the same leaches into office.

We settle for fake friendships on social networking sites instead of taking the time to nurture real friendships in the real world. Then we get more and more hooked into the virtual world and wonder why we don’t have genuine friendships and relationships that work. We settle for having little more than acquaintances in our lives, but still insist on calling them friends. And we’re OK with that because we don’t want to put in the effort that is necessary to actually build and nurture true friendship; it’s much easier to just fake it through a computer screen.

This is a big one. We settle for relationships that just don't work for us, that don’t meet our emotional needs and don’t provide the stability and support we need to confront life’s other challenges. We stay too long in relationships in which we feel deep voids, in which we love but don’t get mutual love back or in which there is really no love at all. Or worse, in which we let ourselves be used. 

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We settle for "anyone" so that we can have "someone,"
instead of holding out for "the one."

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Often, we let our hormones get us into the wrong relationship and then make children before we can correct the situation. Then we feel the added pressure to stay, despite the fact that the relationship doesn’t give us the emotional base we really need to raise those children in the best way. Some people stay in abusive relationships or tolerate being cheated on. They are too emotionally needy to leave and find something better, too weak to demand more. We settle for "anyone" so that we can have "someone," instead of holding out for "the one."

We settle for lives that are empty and unfulfilling. We feel that emptiness, and it makes us depressed. But we tell ourselves that it’s the best we could hope for, that life isn’t fair anyway, that an empty life is just common reality. We settle for being pawns of other, more powerful people. We let them control us and make us conform to ways of life that best serve their needs, not our own. We let ourselves become the servants of those we elect to serve.

We settle for not creating or building anything significant or lasting. We don’t aspire to make an impact on the world, to leave something important behind. We assume that once we die, it all fades to black nothingness anyway, so why bother?

We settle for being used and rejected, instead of needed and loved. We settle for simply existing, instead of living.

Why Do We Settle?

Not everyone is born with the talents and skills to paint a masterpiece, compose a magnum opus, write a classic, invent a world-changing technology, cure a disease, or solve a mystery of nature or science. And there are many people whose abilities are, in fact, limited by their intellect or physical state. But the majority of us are in the middle: we have a lot of potential, but few of us take advantage of our potential. We are content to settle.

But why do we settle for so much less? Why don't we live life to the fullest instead of merely existing? Why don’t we go after what we really want to the best of our abilities? 

Often we doubt those abilities, and sometimes we don’t even realize what skills and talents we really have. Many people just allow the voices of others to take root inside their minds and accept the notion that they “can’t” do better than what they have settled for, that they just aren't good enough. And many, to be honest, are just lazy and don’t want to do the work. I think a lot of older people just become tired, look at the short amount of time they have left, and decide that it’s not worth the bother to try for more.

Ultimately, perhaps, settling for less is about fear.

So many people, when they get tired of settling for less, get angry and demand that society should give them more, because it’s “not their fault” and the world "owes them something." They claim that others (usually those who have not settled) have too much and somehow acquired it at other people’s expense. They don’t look at themselves and challenge themselves to do better. They settle for demanding that the government intervene to take from those who have chosen not to settle, and give it to them. And those in government, always looking at how they can hook more votes, oblige.

Settling for less in life brings despair and depression. It provides fertile ground for mental and emotional disorders. It can lead to conflict. It can push people over the edge into violence against others or themselves. It's a sickness, a condition that does not need to be. 

But it is fear-based, and like everything that is fear-based, it can be overcome. The first step is working to overcome the fear, to embrace our talents and believe in our dreams, to change "can't" to "can" or even "will." Fear is a tough nut to crack – especially since old habits are very hard to change – but it can be broken. There is no good reason to allow fear to make you settle for less.

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I got started on this topic because several recent events made me realize that often in my life, I have settled. In many of the areas I mentioned – work, health, relationships – I have settled for less than I wanted, less than I deserved. And worst of all, I recognized that what I have really settled for is BEING less than I have had the potential to be. And when I thought deeply about it, I really did not like the feeling… I didn’t like it at all.

And while now might seem like a rather late stage to decide to stop settling and start being more, there really is not a bad time. It can never be too late to turn things around.

Empty Platitudes

Blame the Internet.

If you are a regular denizen of a social network or three (and who isn’t), you’ve probably had your fill of those stupid pictures with worn-out sayings that are supposed to offer inspirational and uplifting messages about life. They are called memes, and I can never figure out if they should be pronounced “meems” or “mee-mees.”

Of course there are other categories of memes: cat memes, memes containing just about any other kind of animal, political memes (containing even worse kinds of animals), memes about coffee, memes about beer, memes about bacon, general jerk-off memes, and… well you get the idea. Not that any of this really matters.

But it’s the memes that are intended to be highly philosophical and spiritually uplifting that I am focused on here. The point is that I know that I am pretty fed up with asinine sayings like:

• “Time heals all wounds”
• “Tomorrow is another day”
• “Live each moment like it’s your last”

Blyetch!  I can feel my stomach turning already.

Now there are some genuinely original and inspiration messages out there, and I’ve posted a few of them in my time, and none of them involve bacon (although a few have involved cats or coffee). But what really riles me are the blandly simplistic ones that so many people “ooh” and “ahh” about, and that get shared and copied ad nauseam, but which are either devoid of any significant meaning or are actually just pure BS: the empty platitudes.  Let’s look at a few of the more infamous ones.

“Everything happens for a reason.”  This one is supposed to make you feel better when something bad happens. When your wife or girlfriend runs off with an Argentine Tango instructor, a convicted felon, or a dwarf professional wrestler, this stupid saying is supposed to ease your pain? When you bet your life savings on a “sure thing” tip you got from a shady bookie named Lucky Louie and end up losing everything on a horse that tripped and broke a leg right out of the starting gate, this is supposed to make you feel like you’re not really a hopelessly gambling-addicted moron.

You see, it’s not because you screwed up and did something stupid. It’s not because your wife or girlfriend was just a heartless user who was taking advantage of you until someone better (like a muscle-bound dwarf) came along, and you were just too blind to see it. It’s not because you were weak-minded enough to fall for some improbable scam sold to you by a criminal lowlife. No, no… it’s because there is some greater reason in the universe that you’re just not aware of yet, which of course, makes everything better. It makes me want to barf!

“There are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned.”  Oh, please… spare me. Yes, there are mistakes! There are big, stupendous, unbelievable mistakes. But, hey, don’t worry, and don’t take responsibility for botching it. Don’t take responsibility for your life at all. Twenty years from now, after finishing your daily pint of vodka, you’ll be able to see how the wonderful life you have would not have been possible if you hadn’t made that monumental blunder years earlier. Be glad for your mistakes.

Of course, we have to learn from our mistakes and avoid making them again in the future. But this does not diminish the fact that mistakes are, in fact, mistakes. Sometimes a mistake happens because we have no idea about how things work or what might happen – we are totally naive. And by making that mistake and learning something from it, we reduce our naiveté a bit.

But it was still a mistake. And when we make the same mistake again, or mess up in something about which we’ve been warned or had some other prior knowledge, then there is nothing else you can say about it: it was a boneheaded screw-up!

“If it’s meant to happen, it will happen when the time is right.” And its related platitude: “Good things come to those who wait.”

Great… and while you’re waiting for the time to be right, others realize that there is no “righter” time than now and are actively taking what you’re waiting for. And then you can console yourself by just saying that some mysterious universal power did not want this for you because it wasn’t handed to you on a safe, silver platter.

This is the ultimate excuse to avoid taking action to shape events, to steer clear of responsibility, and to let your fears control your actions (well… inactions, really). Just leave it in the hands of some unseen outside force and do nothing yourself. It’s so much easier. But then, never getting out of bed, or working, or putting out real effort for the things you want is easier too. It’s so much simpler to just go with the flow and take what the stream of life puts before you, to just exist and accept everything that comes or doesn’t come.

Just to clarify, I DO believe in the Power of Intention and that the universe works with you to create good (or bad) things in your life based on the intentions you put out there through your words and thoughts. But it only works according to the strength of your intention and the amount of work and perseverance you put into it yourself. Too many people hear about the Power of Intention and think, “Cool, if I just wish and wish and wish hard enough, my dreams will come true. And if they don’t come true, it’s because the universe is wiser than me, and it just was not in ‘the plan.’”

But it doesn’t work this way. You can’t just sit and wait for the universe to “give” things to you, and you can’t use this “if it’s meant to happen” as an excuse to allow your fears to keep you from taking action toward what you want. If you want something, you have to take action, go for it, and start now!

“Don’t be sad it’s over – be glad it happened.”  No, be glad it’s over – be really glad it’s over. If it ended, for whatever reason, then it probably wasn’t making you very happy before the bottom finally fell out of it. So why should you be glad it happened and you spent time being miserable before one of you finally had the gumption to put it out of its misery? Better to just blot it out of your memory completely. You had enough sadness; it’s time to be glad… until the next “happy thing” that turns bad, makes you sad, and then has to be ended.

“Everything always works out in the end.”  Well, everything has some end, usually. And that end can be good or bad. If something “works out,” it implies that it is successful and, therefore, good. But the kinds of things that this simplistic saying usually addresses generally don’t work out, and the ending is bad. So, in fact, it does NOT work out. This is related to the idea that there are no mistakes and “everything happens the way it’s supposed to.” So, by this notion, we really have no free choice, to which I sneeze, “Ahbullshit”!

“There are plenty more fish in the sea.”  Another convenient way to excuse not taking stronger action to get the one you really wanted or to comfort yourself over having been naive enough to let the last fish swim away with your worm. Sure, there are many fish in the sea, and they all smell just about as bad as the one that got away.

“Better late than never.”  Better early or on time than late. This is just a convenient excuse for those who are punctuality-challenged. Get a better alarm clock.

And finally…

“Dance like no one is watching.”  The thing is that we are watching, and we are laughing our asses off (or being totally grossed out and on the verge of purge, depending on who is doing the dancing). But please, don’t stop entertaining us (unless you’re an obese twerker in WalMart spandex).

There are many, many others. But this is enough for now.
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