Just a Dream

“Paul.. Paul… wake up!”

I felt a hard pushing on my right shoulder and lurched my head up, my eyes suddenly wide open and searching for some sense of what was happening. 

“Wha… what?  What’s wrong?”

“You were shouting in your sleep,” she said.  Then her voice calmed as if to help ease whatever pain I was experiencing.  “I think you were having a nightmare.  Are you okay?”

“Yeah… yeah, I think so,” I said, still trying to get my bearings and understand not only what had happened, but where and even who I was.  “Oh, yeah… I guess I was dreaming.  Wow!  It seemed real.”

“What were you dreaming about,” she asked me with her usual motherly concern.  “You seemed agitated, and you were saying some words that I couldn't understand.”

“Really?  Well, let me think a minute.  Oh, it was weird.  I dreamed that I was living in another country… like maybe Russia or something.”

“Russia?”

“Yeah.  No, wait… no, it was Ukraine.  Yeah, that was it… Ukraine. Most of the people spoke Russian but didn't like Russians.  I had left my company a long time ago and gone there.  And I had lived there for a long time, like five years or seven or something like that.”

She looked at me with a puzzled expression.  “You left the company?  That's hard to believe.  But why Ukraine?”

“I don’t know why it was Ukraine,” I responded.  “I was just there, and I was an English teacher, I think.”

“Well, I guess that makes sense,” she said.  “You’re a good writer, and we first met in a class you were teaching, remember?”  And she smiled.

“Of course.  How could I forget that?”  And I smiled back.  “But this dream was SO real.  It’s like a whole big piece of my life went by in the space of a dream.  I was there, I had experiences, I had problems, I had ups and downs, there were people in my life, and they seemed real.”

“Do you remember their names?”

“No.  Not now.  But they seemed so real.  I had some very close friends, a lot of acquaintances, and so many students.”

Her expression changed a bit and her face took on a more serious look.  “I see.  And were any of these ‘friends’ women?”  The tone of her voice was laced with mock coldness.

“Actually, most of them were women,” I answered with a chuckle.  “In that way, it was pretty nice.”  Then I covered up as she pretended to punch me, only to land a playful blow on my shoulder.

“Oh, my poor Paul, whisked a way in his dream to a land of beautiful women.  How hard that must have been for you,” she said with her usual benign brand of sarcasm.  “And was there anyone special in your dream?  A replacement for me?”

“Come on,” I entreated, “no one could replace you.”  I winked at her and added, “but if you must know… yes, there was someone special.  But…”

“But, what?"

“Well, it seems that it was someone I couldn't be with.  It was like I had fallen in love, but I couldn't get as close as I wanted.  I don’t remember exactly why it was like that, but I do remember that I felt frustrated, and empty.  I lived alone the whole time, and it was very empty.  I lived in a city, and it was busy and noisy.  I had people all around me, I had all these friends.  But I remember that I felt really alone.”

"And did I exist in this dreamworld?"  She seemed rather serious now.

"No... I don't think you did," I answered.  "Or, who knows?  Maybe you were the one I couldn't be with.  I don't know.  I just know that it hurt to not be able to be close to that person."

She fixed her eyes on me silently for a moment, lowered her gaze, then peered up at me with that soft, knowing look that I had long come to know, appreciate and even need from her.  “Why do you think you dreamed about being alone, about feeling empty?  Do you feel that way in real life, in our life?”

“No, no… not at all,” I insisted.  “I don’t know why I had that feeling.  Maybe it was a reminder of how I felt before I met you.  Or maybe it was a fear of losing you.  Honestly, I just don’t know.  But that wasn't the worst of it.”

“Really?”  Her expression grew curious.  “What could have been worse than that?”

“Well, the worst thing was that in my dream, I was old and terribly out of shape,” I said.  “I mean, I was way overweight.  Really fat.  I must have had ten inches more around my waist than I do now.  I looked terrible, and I felt even worse.”

“You've GOT to be kidding,” she said with a laugh.  “You?  Mr. 10-mile hike and then let’s go dancing?  Mr. count every calorie?  I can’t believe you would dream about being fat.”

I sighed.  “Yeah, it was horrible.  And I had all these pains in my back and hips and knees.  At the end, I could hardly walk, and when I did, I was really slow. No energy.  I think I had other physical problems too.  My cardiovascular system was shot.  I ate the worst kinds of crap, and I couldn't seem to stop myself.”

“You told me you went through a time kind of like that before we met,” she said.  “Do you remember?”

“Yeah,” I answered, raising my eyebrows and shaking my head.  “But that was short and nothing compared to how I was in my dream.  And in my dream, I was getting old.  Sort of like my father, but with a bunch more weight.  Really… it was awful.”

She jumped up, shook her shoulder-length dark brown hair and smiled.  “Well, it was just a dream, and you should forget about it.  It’s Saturday morning, it’s a beautiful day, and you are in luck: I feel like making blueberry pancakes.  I’ll make you some coffee first.  Why don’t you get up and sit out on the deck for a bit while I make breakfast?  You’ll feel better.”

“You’re too good to me,” I answered with a smile.  “But you've got a deal.  And later, let’s take a walk up into the hills and see if we can spot some elk.”

“I’d rather take our bikes out on the trail,” she shot back.  “And yes, I AM too good to you.”

I smiled.  “Bikes – you got it!”

And with that, she turned and glided lightly out of the bedroom.  I watched her admiringly as she walked away, not only for her lithe, beautiful body, but for the special heart that resided there.  What a lucky guy I am, I thought.  

The sun was already easing the night's chill as I sat on the deck and looked out at the pine forest that surrounded our house.  I sat so that the sun's rays could warm my bare legs and arms, then tilted the table umbrella just enough to keep the direct rays out of my eyes.  It was nice to feel the contrast of the warm rays against the still-cool air.  

I held my coffee cup just below my nose and let the earthy aroma flow into my nose.  Then, one sense satisfied, I took my first sip and savored the delicious flavor, punctuated with Irish cream, on my tongue.  As the warm liquid made its way down, I thought of how grand a simple morning like this could be and how I wished every moment of life could be like this.

And all around me were reminders of what a miracle life is.  Humming birds buzzed around the deck, taking advantage of the feeders we always kept stocked for them.  I loved the sound of their humming wings first thing in the morning.  And it always fascinated me to watch them maneuver around the feeders, effortlessly hovering and jetting from left to right, up and down, and then speeding off.

In the nearest trees, a few other birds sang their morning serenades, sometimes solo and sometimes in “conversations” with each other.  And the mountain breeze wafted gently across the pine needles and aspen leaves to create that ever so soft whooshing sound that added an extra aura of magic to our home.  

A squirrel scrambled up the side of the tree where I kept the bird feeder hanging from a branch.  As usual, it was trying to figure out a way to safely steal seed from the feeder.  But also as usual, I had the feeder hung just out of its reach.  Still, it was fun to watch the squirrel try.

I heard the sound of light footsteps from the right and saw some mule deer walking up toward the house.  There were five of them.  I recognized three of them as regulars to our place, especially one doe with her fawn.  I sometimes put corn out for them, and they seemed to feel safe around our place.

Yes… this was paradise.  I could not imagine how a person could be happier living anywhere else.  I was a very fortunate person to live in a place like this. 

But even more, I thought about how lucky I was to have her sharing this place with me.  I remembered how much she had brought into my life and how happy it made me to give her what I could.  She was happy here with me, and I with her.  And isn't that what life is all about?

I looked back from the forest and fixed my gaze on the window into the kitchen.  She was at the sink and looked back at me.  She smiled and sent me one of her patented air kisses.  I returned her smile then turned my eyes back to the forest and took a sip of my coffee.  It was perfect.

Then a strange feeling came over me.  The trees started to blur a bit before my eyes.  An odd thought came to me: what if THIS was the dream?

And then the scene began to fade. All the beauty I had been enjoying turned slowly to formless, graying shapes, becoming darker and darker. The fresh mountain air I had happily filled my lungs with had changed to something stale and almost sickening. I was gasping. My back began to ache, and I found it almost impossible to move. Finally, the darkness consumed me completely.

And from that blackness, I heard my own voice trying in vain to shout. 

"Make it stop!"

... in Russian.

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Deforestation - Kharkov Style

I love trees.  I love their agelessness, the energy they emanate, and the calm they provide when you are in their midst.  Trees are majestic.  Trees give us shade.  Trees give us oxygen.  In short, trees are pretty cool.

When I decided to rent my current apartment back in May of 2009, one of the key attractions of the building was that it was surrounded by trees.  The main street, and especially the area around my building, had an abundance of trees.  It was like a park.  It was a stark contrast to the almost treeless area around my old apartment, which fronted to a busy, noisy and dirty main street.

But my new place had nice, big, mature trees with broad, leafy limbs that reached out and formed a beautiful canopy.  They provided shade and kept the area cooler in the hot summer sun.  I could always be sure that my apartment would not suffer being overheated by the direct rays of the sun. 

Having so many trees around made me feel less like I was living in a big city.  From the street, it was almost impossible to actually see my building.  It reminded me – if only a bit – of my forest home in the Colorado mountains.  Of course the types of trees were different, and there were a lot more people and cars around (and no bears), but I did say that the resemblance was “only a bit.”

So I was shocked a couple of years ago when some men appeared outside my building to cut down some trees along our street.  Some residents complained, and the incident received some news coverage.  But the cutting was not stopped.  Last year, some more trees were cut down and hauled away. 

Recently, more trees were cut near my building, and when I returned home yesterday, I found that still more had been removed.  This is very sad and disappointing.  The charm of this place is being lost as these trees come down.  I am afraid that once the remaining trees fully unfold their leafy greenery, it just won’t be the same as it was.

But the big questions that remain are “who” and “why.”  Just who are these people that are taking the trees?  Are they from the city or regional government?  I don’t think so.  Are they just tree “poachers” who are cutting trees around the city to sell the wood?  Possibly.  I really don’t know the answer to this question, and no one I have asked seems to know either.

And why are these trees being cut?  The trees make the street more beautiful, and in this city, we need what few areas of natural beauty we can find.  The trees appear healthy, and I haven’t seen any signs of interference with power lines or other aerial utilities.  So, again, I wonder if they are being harvested to put money in someone’s pockets.  In this country, it would seem likely.

When the first trees came down a few years ago, someone said that they were “illegal” tree cutters.  But probably they were at least semi-legal, meaning they might have been doing something that was not actually legal, but they were paying a bribe to the authorities to let them do it.

As a foreign expatriate, I am in no position to do anything about this, of course.  I can only watch as the parklike environment I have enjoyed is removed piece by piece.  I hope there is a limit to their destruction and that the trees closest to the building will not be lost.

Perhaps this is another sign for me to consider in the future.

Losing Our Humanity

I am becoming more and more convinced that technology is sucking the humanity out of us. Specifically, I've been thinking about how communication technology is causing us to communicate less and less in real, human ways, as we opt for cold, technological communication methods that fit our increasingly short attention spans and the overload of information that we face.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a technological isolationist advocating that  we stomp on our smart phones and tablets, and run off to live free of technology in some remote mountain valley, although that doesn't sound half bad. And the irony does not escape me that I am writing this on a computer and will post it on a blog on the Internet where it will be read by many people on their smart phones and tablets.

Probably I should be writing it on lambskin parchment with a quill pen. But then, no one would ever read it. Besides, I might spill the ink and make a really yucky mess on my carpet. So please excuse my seeming hypocrisy here and humor me a bit.

Today’s communication technology IS a wonderful thing. The ability to communicate instantly with someone in almost any part of the world is fantastic. I’m sure my parents would have loved to have had the Internet and smart-phone technology when I was a young lad away from home for the first time, serving in the navy thousands of miles away on a remote little island called Guam.

I, however, am glad that they were not able to know too much about what I was doing over there. There are some things a mother should never know about what her son is up to (and in my case there were a LOT of things).

And VoIP communication technology like Skype and Vonage make it possible for me to keep in touch with my daughters, who live in different countries, as well as with friends back in the USSA. When you have such a physical distance, this ability to actually talk to someone lessens the effect of that distance and helps maintain the relationship.  It's a good, and human, thing.

But like most wonderful things, our advanced communication technology has its dark side. The technology, especially our handheld devices, is addictive, and too many of us spend too much time with our fascinating toys to the exclusion of too much of real life. In this addiction, we fail to see how our face-to-face, human communications suffer. And many of us become alarmingly rude in our personal and public interactions, and either don’t realize it or just don’t care. Like all addictions, we live in denial of the fact that we just can’t put the damn things down. And also like all addictions, it starts to rob us of our humanity.

I got to thinking about this recently after a strange incident last week. After a long time of waiting for an appropriate opportunity, I had a chance to talk with a woman who I like and have wanted to get together with to talk and catch up, perhaps over dinner or something. We hadn't done that since before New Year. But when I asked when she might have time to get together, she suggested chatting on Skype. 

Skype?

I was a bit stunned by that. I mean, there we were, standing face-to-face, and she suggested communicating online! I had intentionally avoided using an electronic medium to initiate anything, because I still believe that between two people there is no substitute for real, personal communication that employs nothing more than mouths and ears.

Either it was a techno-age brush-off (which is certainly possible), or she is too wrapped up in virtual communication for my taste. Either way, it was disappointing.

Where is the humanity?

Another incident that points out how self-centered and rude people can be with their personal electronic devices happened about two weeks ago. I went to a concert by a fantastic pianist, Keiko Matsui. People were asked to turn off their mobile phones, which I had done before the announcement. But most people just turned their ringers to mute, and an amazing number of them continued to use these devices during the concert.

There was a constant distraction of bright little screens in front of me during the show as people were sending and receiving SMS messages, surfing the Internet, and otherwise playing with their precious little toys.  And a couple of times, I heard ringers going off on phones that hadn't even been switched to mute. It was an unwelcome and, in my view, rude lack of respect for the performer and for those who were there to enjoy the performance. 

And, really, it doesn't even make sense. Why would anyone pay good money for a fine musical performance and then waste that money by paying more attention to their mobile phones? Musical concerts, theatrical performances and the like should be respites from all the busy stuff that intrudes into our lives.  We should be able to relax, let the music carry us away, and not think about the rest of the world for a couple of hours.

To be constantly fixed to a mobile device during such a performance is something I just can’t understand. And to distract others and lessen their enjoyment of the performance is something I can’t easily tolerate.

Where is the humanity?

But, we see this kind of addictive rudeness all the time. The problem of overly loud phone talkers in public has been going on for so long that complaining about it has become passé… and fruitless.  We all complain about the ignorant lout who has to raise his speaking level a few hundred decibels on the bus or in a restaurant, or the mindless bimbo who apparently thinks that everyone in the café should hear about her private affairs. But we don’t seem to have the same level of concern when we are the ones doing it.  Where is the humanity?

Also passé these days is the argument against using mobile phones while driving. Sure, many jurisdictions have enacted laws against it, but these are only softly enforced, if at all. The worst are the people who send SMS messages while driving. I cringe when I get in a taxi here and see the driver trying to send an SMS while navigating the crazy Kharkiv traffic.

I saw a news report recently where they asked adults in New York if they text while driving, and an unsettling number of them said that they did. “It just takes me a moment,” one woman said. “I figure that when I stop at a red light, I have time to tap out a message,” said a man, “but sometimes I have to start moving before I can finish it.”  Morons all – lacking basic humanity.

It seems cliché, but it’s really true that you can see people meet in cafes and such to “get together,” and while they’re there, they spend more of their time on their tablets or phones than actually talking with each other. Probably they are texting each other from across the table. Hey, it beats actually talking.

And how many dates have gone sour because one – or both – of the people spent too much time with his or her mobile device.  Why would you want to stare at a stupid little screen when you could be getting lost in someone’s beautiful eyes?

I've noticed too that young guys on local buses and metro trains use their devices as a way to avoid eye contact with people to whom they should offer their seats, like old people or women with children. They sit transfixed on whatever stupid video game has their fancy or pounding out SMS messages, while ignoring everyone else around them.

Where is the humanity in any of this?

Isaac Asimov once said, “The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”  As a corollary, one might say that the saddest aspect of life now is that our communication technology has advanced faster than our ability to use it wisely. Through our lack of wisdom, we seem to be allowing this technology to break down, rather than enhance, our socialization.

Humans are supposed to be social creatures. But real socializing is a personal thing. It includes hearing the unfiltered sound of another voice, the look in another’s eyes, the subtle signals of body language, the touch of a hand or of lips, or even the light smell of a nice fragrance.

Technology seems to be changing us in ways that are not really social. Why do so many of us today seem to prefer the cold text or lame “emoticons” of Skype or a text message?  Why do we use technology to avoid interacting with others in real ways?

Where is the humanity in that?

Ten Tips for Being Happy

For a number of years, I have had a conversation theme in my English classes about “Anxiety and Depression.”  It discusses some unhappy situations, but it ends with these 10 tips on how to be happy.  I thought it would be good to take it out of the conversation theme sheet and make it available to everyone.  Of course, there are lots of other “tips” for being happy, but these 10 are pretty good.

The basic premise is that most people are unhappy because they choose to be.  All they have to do is change their minds and learn some new habits, and their lives will change forever. 

Do you agree?  How many of these “10 Habits of Happy People” are part of your regular routine?

1.        Act happy – even if you don’t feel it.  Smiling, even during problems, can work wonders.  A smiling face will get more smiles from others, which in turn can help brighten your mood.  It doesn't mean to go around with a fake, plastic smile all the time, but learn to keep a genuine smile, even in the face of adversity.

2.        Enjoy the moment.  Happiness is not produced by great things happening but by recognizing all the little positive things that happen every day.  Too many people ignore the small good things that happen each day because they are too busy waiting for some big thing that will make them happy: a party on the weekend, a future vacation, a new car, etc.  But what about something as simple as waking up to sunshine, or being lucky enough to get a seat on the bus?  Don’t take these “minor” things for granted.

3.        Get a pet.  Stroking a cat or patting a dog has therapeutic, calming effects on a person.  A pet’s unconditional love can make a world of difference in your own spirit.  This really is one of the best.  We can get a little frustrated or angry at our pets sometimes, but they always come back to us for love.

4.        Take control of your time.  Happy people feel in control of their lives.  Set realistic goals for each day, and then be disciplined about how you allocate your time.  Some of us are terrible at time management, but the fact is that when you manage your time well and don’t procrastinate, you really do feel better.

5.        Get regular exercise.  When you exercise, your body produces chemicals that help to defeat depression and keep you feeling happier.  Exercise is fantastic!  Take it from someone who knows both sides.  It doesn't have to be super-strenuous either.  A good walk, a light bike ride, or even dancing can make you feel great.

6.        Get enough rest.  We all need quiet time for ourselves, and we all need sleep.  Make time to recharge your batteries so that you don’t feel exhausted so often.  Don’t sit at your desk glued to the Internet until 2 a.m., then get up at 7 and wonder why you don’t feel rested.  Get into a good sleep routine, and if you need a little nap on the weekend, go for it!

7.        Sing.  People who sing are happier.  The people who have to listen to them may not be so happy, but it’s your own happiness you are concerned with… so be a singer.  This really works!  It’s about the real changes in mood that sound vibrations can make.

8.        Feed your soul.  Studies have shown that religious or spiritual people are happier.  They cope better with crises and usually have a supportive, accepting community around them.  I basically concur with this, although I do think that one can fine a supportive community in other spheres as well.  But communing with your God – however you define it – is important.

9.        Make your close relationships a top priority.  Spending time in open communication with loved ones – or even just very close friends – can stop the feeling of isolation and loneliness.  This may also explain why happily married people live longer than single people.  We are meant to have close, regenerative relationships with other people.  It can be very difficult to keep the destructive winds of depression at bay when you are alone.

10.   Get away!  Spend time in nature, away from the rush and noise of the city or town.  Spend at least a few hours a week in the countryside, in a forest, or by the sea.  To me, there is no better place than a forest (especially a Colorado mountain forest) to give you a sense of peace and to buoy you with positive energy.

A License to Steal

Imagine how it would be if TV’s Tony Soprano and his Mafia crew had police badges. When they shake down a business (extort money by making it difficult or impossible for the business to operate until it pays off Tony and his thugs) it would be “within the law” because they have badges that say so. 

What’s more, imagine that the law itself is corrupt enough to give the Sopranos all the leeway they need to run such a “legal” extortion racket. And even worse, imagine that the local judges who sign the orders allowing Tony to conduct “criminal investigations” into the victim companies are part of the scam.

To most Europeans, Americans, Canadians and just about anyone else in the West, this would seem too far-fetched to be anything other than a plot for a movie set in some bizarre alternative reality. In Ukraine, however, it IS reality. The real Anthony Soprano could be Anton Sopranchenko – a Ukrainian thug with a badge.

The Mask Shows

Twice in the past two years (since the Russia-supported Yanukovich regime took power) one the top software development companies in Kharkiv has been raided by Ukraine’s Tax Police. And this is happening to companies all over Ukraine. They force their way into a company’s offices, usually wearing black masks and carrying automatic rifles, intimidate and threaten innocent employees, and confiscate computers and other equipment. Worse still, they often go through individual employees' desks and other places to outright steal whatever they can find. Then they prevent the company from doing its work until the company agrees to make a substantial payment.

The idea of a police force is to protect citizens, and businesses, from the unscrupulous actions of criminals. But in Ukraine the police – especially the dubious "tax police" – ARE the criminals... just mafia with badges. 

They make such raids on companies with alarming regularity. Ukraine is a very difficult place for honest people to try to start or run a business.  If you don’t play ball with the “authorities,” you won’t be in business for long. 

And it has gotten worse since the current Yanukovich government came to power in 2011. Yanukovich is a simple thug whose early years were spent as a common criminal and who grew to prominence as part of the Russia-leaning Party of Regions, which has always harbored a large criminal element. He lost out to Viktor Yushchenko in the rerun of the 2004 presidential election when a court confirmed that he had "won" the initial count only through widespread fraud. People have really never liked him since, but Yushchenko did such a poor job running the country that Yanukovich was able to win in 2010 (although the validity of that election has been in question as well).

Why Bother?

It is no wonder that Western companies have lost their appetite for investing or opening branches in Ukraine. A number of foreign companies that came here during earlier governments have given up and left.  Even though there is a great potential market here for many kinds of goods and services, the government corruption makes it too difficult to operate. Last year alone several European banks quit Ukraine and closed their holdings here. No one wants to try to make a living in a place where criminals have the power of government authority behind them.

Software development companies have thrived here, owing to the relatively low cost of outsourcing work here, compared with doing similar work in the West. But even these companies have their limits, and it would be a disaster if they began to pull up stakes and leave for countries where they aren’t robbed by criminal officials.

It’s one of the clearest indications of just how horribly corrupt this country remains. Even as the government makes empty platitudes to the EU about fighting corruption, reforming the judiciary, and making it possible for businesses to operate fairly and without fear, the sickening beat of corruption goes on. The reform talk is just a pack of lies, and the EU seems to be willing to accept it (which does not say much for the EU).

Not Ready for (European) Prime Time

For its part, the EU has been blustering about Ukraine’s need to speed up reforms before it will sign the Association Agreement they have been negotiating with Ukraine for the past several years. A number of EU leaders do seem to be concerned about letting a corrupt Ukraine become even an associate of the EU (and certainly not a real member). But there are those who seem willing to look past the travesty here for the sake of the EU’s geopolitical rivalry with Russia. They fear that Yanukovich's close ties to Putin, and the latter's ability to intimidate the dull-minded Ukrainian president, will result in Ukraine joining a Russian-led economic pact. This is something most Ukrainians do NOT want.

But the European view is also naive. The current administration has no real interest in fixing the problems that exist in places like Kharkiv and ridding the courts and police forces of the lowbrow knuckle-draggers who use their authority to prey on citizens; these, after all, are the core minions of Yanukovich's power. If the EU can’t exert enough pressure on Ukraine to make some real progress against the endemic corruption, then Ukraine really has no hope.

They say that people get the government they deserve. I love the Ukrainian people, but sadly, they do in fact have the government they deserve. They stood up against rigged elections in 2004 (with some help from Western operatives, I suspect), but sadly, the Yushchenko administration that took power after the Orange Revolution was a complete disappointment and their spirit of reform was crushed. Too many Ukrainians were left with the depressing feeling that there is no one they can really believe in or trust. 

Until Ukrainians find the conviction and determination to demand better and make it happen, it will continue to be a place in which Anton Sopranchenko and his thugs with badges will continue to enrich themselves at the expense of everyone else.

An Uncertain Future

When I first came to Ukraine, the country seemed open and welcoming to foreigners, not only at the level of regular people – which it still is – but also at the official government level.  Lately, it seems that the government is becoming less and less welcoming of foreigners, and depending on what happens on the international political front this year, it may become downright unfriendly to those of us from other countries who have chosen to be here.

I wrote recently that I had been wondering whether my time in Ukraine was coming to an end.  That was more about myself and whether I needed a change.  But as I survey the current political landscape here, I wonder if this may be a decision that will be made for me by others.

I first came to Ukraine in March of 2006 for a two-week visit.  At that time, the country was about a year or so into a new, more liberal visa regime for visitors from most Western countries.  It had become the first former Soviet republic to allow North Americans, Western Europeans, Australians, Japanese and similar folks to come for a 90-day visit with no visa at all.  Previously, you had to have an invitation and a visa, just as still exists in Russia and the other former republics.

This was a move by the pro-Western Yushchenko government to make it easier for Western tourists and business people to come here – and to bring their capital with them.  It was a smart move.  Even though those countries still maintained high visa barriers for Ukrainians visiting their countries, the Ukrainian government at that time recognized that it was to Ukraine’s advantage to make it easier for Westerners to come here and thus strengthen ties with the richer countries of the world.  They saw tourists spending money and foreign companies investing in the country.

So, many came - including me.  I got a five-year business visa so that, ostensibly, I would not have to keep going out every 90 days.  It turned out that a 90-day border run was still necessary, but the visa did keep me from having to stay out for 90 days before I could return.  Things worked pretty well until last year.

Under the Yanukovych government, immigration laws have changed considerably.  Foreigners can still visit for 90 days without a visa, but everything else has been made more difficult, and I am not so sure how long the 90-day regime will last.  Particularly, if the planned Association Agreement with the European Union is not successfully signed this year, it seems likely that Ukraine will join a Russian-led Customs Union, which might effectively close the door on such openness toward the West.

In the past months I have been engaged in a process of trying to secure a one-year work and residency permit, which would allow me to stay and work officially here without having to leave the country every 90 days.  But it is a bureaucratic nightmare because of recent changes in the law.  I don’t expect to see completion of this until March at the earliest, possibly not until April or May.  

And my 45-minute “interview” with immigration agents at Kyiv’s Borispyl Airport when I was on my way out of the country last month was an ominous sign.  Taken together, it definitely feels like Ukraine is (officially) becoming less friendly to foreigners.  So, what will happen?  Good question – who knows?

Most in Ukraine want the country to complete the Association Agreement with the EU.  One popular benefit of this would be to allow Ukrainians to travel to Europe without a visa.  And there would be a number of other economic benefits, which in total would pull Ukraine closer to the European sphere of influence and away from Russia. 

It seems like a no-brainer.  But “no-brainer” pretty much describes the current Ukrainian president, so there is no telling what the government will do.

While most people, including many in the government and the uber-rich "oligarchs," would benefit from a closer relationship with Europe, there are many in the government who would prefer to join Russia, Belarus and Kazakhstan in the Customs Union.  And Russia has been putting enormous pressure on Ukraine to do this.  One of Moscow's key weapons is the fact that Russia supplies Ukraine with almost all of its energy resources, and the Kremlin uses this as a hammer over Kyiv.

On the European side, there is a growing reluctance to let Ukraine join the European party because this country has not shown that it is ready to BE a European country and operate according to European rules.  Ukraine is a terribly corrupt place: according to Transparency International's 2012 Corruption Perception Index, it ranks 144th out of 176 countries in terms of honesty and openness in government and other institutions.  Corruption is the rule at every level of administration and government, most notably in the police, courts and the tax system. 

The Yushchenko government promised to clean up corruption, but they accomplished little.  And although the Yanukovych government also claims to be committed to reform things and clean up the corruption, it has actually gotten worse since he took office in 2010.  There is no dependable rule of law here.  Police, judges and others operate according to who can pay the highest bribes.  And key leaders of the political opposition have been jailed after rigged trials.  It’s a system that Europe wants no “association” with.

But Europe also does not want to “lose” Ukraine to Russian influence.  So although things stink here, many in Brussels are prepared to hold their noses and let Ukraine in anyway, just to keep this huge country from falling permanently into a Russian bear hug.

So where does that leave expats like me?  Well, it certainly leaves me uncertain about the future.  While I feel at home here among my friends, students and others, I feel increasingly uneasy about government attitudes and policies.  I fear that Ukraine may force my hand before long and give me no alternative but to give up and return to the USSA… where there is another government that makes me feel increasingly uneasy about its attitudes and policies.

Hmm… I wonder how things are going in New Zealand.

Signs

A lot has been happening during this visit to the USSA, and much of it has not been as good as I had hoped.  The events and situations that have arisen have had me looking very seriously at whether they are signs that I need to pay attention to, signs with messages about what I should or shouldn't do in the future.  Specifically, I've been thinking about my future in Ukraine.  It’s something I've been considering a lot the past days.

I believe strongly that the universe (or God, if you prefer) sends us signs and messages to help us find and navigate the right paths for ourselves.  I was not always so aware of this, but in the mid-1990s, I started to understand that what we often take as odd “coincidences” are almost always signs intended to help us know which way to go.

Similarly, people come into our lives with messages for us.  Sometimes, these are people who play a significant role, teaching us something we need to learn, helping us discover something important about ourselves, or just being a necessary source of support and confidence.  More often, however, it is the people who just sort of pass through our lives who have some of the most important messages for us.  But we rarely notice – unless we've learned to be more observant and aware.

Signs can come in the form of situations that either work out or don’t.  Signs can be songs on the radio that express a certain sentiment or idea that relates to what’s happening in your life.  A sign can be a book that happens to come into your hands at the right time to tell you something you need to know or consider.  It can be an animal that appears to you, either in real life or in a dream, and represents some knowledge, idea or value.  Signs can come to us in many ways in many forms.

This presents two problems.  On the one hand, a person might just not pay attention, not be aware, and not take advantage of the help that the universe tries to give.  But on the other hand, a person might go a little crazy trying to figure out which things are really relevant signs and which don’t apply.  Sometimes, if we don’t keep things in perspective, we can miss the real signs and let something less take us off on a tangent.

I think I am going through this now.  I've generally been pretty good at seeing the real signs and not falling for the bad actors.  But I know that I've made mistakes.  The path that led me to Ukraine was unmistakable: it has been extremely clear in retrospect but was also pretty easy to see as things were unfolding.

Often, you start to feel sort of "stale" in a situation and find yourself looking for signs to tell you whether it is time to end the situation and move on.  But the signs could be trying to suggest how to liven up the situation and make it better – not to move on.  A problem is that we often decide ahead of time which path we think we really want, and so we only acknowledge things we think are signs that support that choice. 

This often happens in relationships: the signs might be strong that you should go one way – perhaps try to initiate a new relationship or end an unfulfilling one – but even though you know intuitively that the signs are right, you are – for any of a variety of reasons – afraid to take the action they suggest.

Anyway, I have been finding myself looking much more closely at things lately and trying to decide if the universe is trying to tell me something. 

Frankly, in the latter half of 2012, I was really looking seriously at whether my time in Ukraine was coming to an end.  I enjoyed my teaching work, of course, but not a lot else was giving me much enjoyment.  Life was becoming stale, and maybe even a little frustrating.  Some things that I felt I really need in life just were not happening, and it started to feel like I was probably coming to the end of the Ukraine period of my life.

Then one of my client companies suggested working in a more official way.  Things came together on the idea of getting official residency and work permits, and it all seemed to make sense.  It seemed like a pretty clear sign to make at least another year's commitment to Ukraine.  But one thing bothered me: it was going to cost at least $1,000 to go through the process.  Sort of a bad sign.

I left on my trip for some family events and to apply for the visa I need for the residency/work permits.  That’s when it all started to go downhill.  First, my flight to Kiev was two hours late, which was not a big deal in and of itself, but in retrospect, it fit with everything else.  It was the first little bad sign of the trip.

I had to stand out in the cold wind at Borispol waiting for a car to take me to the overnight hotel near the airport.  It was supposed to be there to meet me, but was more than 30 minutes late.  I was freezing when it finally showed up.  The hotel was terrible, and I never slept at all before it was time to shower and head back to the airport for an early flight.  Another early sign?

That’s when it really started getting bad.

At passport control, the agent did not like something in my passport and took me to an “interview” room where he and another agent asked me a bunch of questions about the stamps in my passport.  They told me I had illegal stamps and that it was “very bad” for me.  I told them I was going back to apply for a new visa and obtain the residency permit.  Eventually, they let me go (without paying anything), but it was an ominous sign.

In Boston, my rental car turned out to be almost twice the cost as advertised.  The money hemorrhaging was beginning.  It was a bad dollar sign.

I had sent an email to the Ukrainian consulate in San Francisco a week earlier, but had never received a response.  I needed some additional information that was not on their Web site.  On Friday, my first full day in Massachusetts, I called the consulate to try to get an answer.  No one answered.  I called other consulates as well as the embassy in Washington.  No one answered.  But I HAD to get my application package – with my passport – off to the consulate that day.  So I did, but my biggest concern was getting my passport back in time for my return trip to Ukraine.  The fact that I had to send the package off without the information I needed was a troublesome sign.

That evening, I started getting more severe pain in my lower back and hip than usual.  Saturday morning, I could hardly walk at all.  I spent the weekend on a sofa, barely able to walk.  I’ll write another post about the pain, but it was the worst and most prolonged I can remember.  A painful sign.

On Monday, I had to fly to Denver.  The fact that I was in severe pain didn't matter, I had to fly.  I had to make my way through three different airports before I finally got my rental car in Denver and drove to a hotel in Boulder.  At times, it was agony.

In Denver, my rental car turned out to be almost twice the cost as advertised.  The money hemorrhaging was continuing.  More bad dollar signs.

I needed to find some important documents for apostille, necessary for my residency permit application in Ukraine.  They were not in my stored things.  This meant that I was going to have to go to several different cities to get the official documents, and then take them to a state office in Denver for the apostille.  But I had no time to do it until the next week.  It seemed like more and more signs were popping up to tell me that I should quit Ukraine.

Meanwhile, several days had gone by, and I was still suffering from the back and hip pain.  It turned out to be sciatica: a pinched sciatic nerve.

On Friday, I received a return package from the consulate in San Francisco.  They did not process my visa application because a particular document was missing.  This was a document that my client company was supposed to get from a Ukrainian government office.  I can only get it in Ukraine.  It was good to get my passport back, but the fact I didn't have the visa seemed like a strong sign that perhaps I am not supposed to go for the residency/work permit.

Over the weekend, the Denver Broncos – the number one team in the American Football Conference – were upset in their playoff game by the team from Baltimore.  That was a bad sign, and it would have been worse if I cared about football the way I used to.

Next, I discovered that the most important document I needed to get – my university diploma – would take three weeks to process.  I needed it done within three days.  It seemed like I had run out of luck.  There was no way I’d be able to get the document in time and no way I’d be able to get the permit. It seemed like a stop sign. 

But I tried anyway.  I called the university records office, and the woman there could not have been nicer.  She made the necessary arrangements to get me the document the same day.  So yesterday I drove two hours up to Fort Collins to get the document.  Not only was I successful at the university, but I was also successful at a county office where I needed another document.  What’s more, I was able to make a bank deposit, renew my Colorado driver’s license and buy some “Yaktrax” devices to help me avoid slipping on icy sidewalks.

So, Monday seemed like a day of positive signs. 

Of course, I will be returning to Ukraine at the end of the week.  Even if I had made a choice to move on from my life there – which I have not – I would have to return to take care of affairs there.  But there are still things coming up that may have some bearing on everything.  You never know what may happen during a series of flights, and the biggest hurdle will be going through passport control again in Kiev.  I hope there won’t be any problems getting back into the country.

If all goes well, I’ll continue the process of getting the residency/work permits.  If it goes smoothly, then I guess all these things that have been happening will not have been such big signs.  But the thing about signs is that they often come up to prevent you from making a mistake. 

But signs are not something that you can itemize, quantify, analyze and then make some kind of logic-based choice.  They affect you at an intuitive or emotional level, not in a logical way.  So, as always, my decisions will have to come from my gut… from how I feel about everything.  And at the moment, I really don’t know.

It would be nice to have something happen that would make everything perfectly clear.  But it never seems to work that easily.